Boyfriends Ex...Need advice

Relationships
#1

I have been with my boyfriend for 8 months. We are pretty serious and in the future plan on getting married. EVERYTHING is wonderful beside his ex wife texting ALL the time. They have two children together, 10 & 12. They have joint custody and gets them every weekend. The schedule changes from time to time and this time I THOUGHT it would be better and she wouldn’t text him all the time.

At first I didn’t think this would be an issue because the girls are older and they have been divorce for 6 years but that is not the case. She text/calls him EVERY day about EVERY little thing…regarding the children or how stressed out she is about this or that. I have tried to accept it, tried to ignore it, and now here I am.

I don’t know what to do or how to feel. We have talked about this and discussed it in depth but nothing seems to change. When it first became a problem he asked her to quit calling and texting so much and she did…for a week. Last night his phone died while we were out and when we got back to my place, he charged his phone and when it came back on he had 15 text messages from her. He never hides anything from me and usually it is about the children but I just don’t understand why she feels like she needs to text him every day.

I don’t have children from my previous marriage but I do understand why they need to be cordial to each other…for the childrens sake. I also understand that plans need to be arranged for the weekend but why not call or text on a Friday and arrange that?

Am I being to sensitive or overreacting? I just figured that since the children are older (and have their own cell phones) why can’t the children contact him during the week if they need something?? .Any advice would be appreciative! Thanks :slight_smile:

#2

Shelly, this is a case of it’s as much his doing as hers. If he wanted her to stop, he has a lot of options. Obviously he doesn’t want her to stop because he puts up with it. You will have to decide if you want to marry both of them, because she’s not going away any time soon.

#3

He can’t change the Xs behavior. I understand that she texts him multiple times a day. But does he respond? Does he answer the phone when he sees it’s the X? Does he reply to all of those texts?His behavior, his response to the Xs texts and calls is the only thing you can influence. And if you can’t influence that, then walk away. He is not really available.

#4

Hi Shelly - I am a relationship counselor and divorce coach here on D360.It’s hard to give you advice on this issue because you haven’t provided any back story on why they divorced… which may be pertinent to your current problem. All I can say at this point is that the level of communication they share is more than what I would consider acceptable… especially since you have indicated that you are uncomfortable with it. If I were you I would sit down with him and share your feelings gently, explaining to him that this issues has brought you to the point of reconsidering your desire to marry him. If he cares deeply for you he will realize that this issue must finally be addressed with his children’s mother. It is important that they communicate amicably regarding the kids, but calling over every little stressful event in her life isn’t healthy. It appears that she hasn’t let go of him and he seems to be content with allowing her to remain in his life at this level. If you are going to talk to him about this use I statements (I feel _____ when you text and talk to _____ ) and be specific about your feelings. Don’t use generalizations like I feel bad. Think carefully before you sit down to talk. How do you feel about this… ignored? unimportant? used? cast aside? second choice? You have made your feelings known before and he has chosen not to take consistent action. If you don’t enforce consequences, you are saying with your actions that it is okay to continue doing what he has been doing thus far. If you choose to set consequences… be sure you are willing to go through with them. Don’t waste your time making empty threats or setting consequences you have no intentions of carrying out. You will show him that you don’t mean what you say and give away your power. Remember… if you truly love this man you must learn to talk things out.Best - Lisa

#5

When I first met my husband, his ex wife was calling him every day and usually texting him multiple times a day. Sometimes, it was about the children, but it was usually just to talk about her life, use him as her verbal punching bag, or complain about how hard she had it. Even when she was talking to him about the children, she never shared anything useful. He had asked her not to call him at work, but for some reason, he always answered and always replied to her texts. I basically told him that I didn’t think that level of communication was appropriate, that it seemed like she hadn’t moved on, and that I wasn’t interested in being in a relationship with him and his ex. This definitely lit a fire under him to further limit communication with her. I also helped him to see that her behavior was abusive (she had emotionally and physically abused him throughout their marriage) and that he didn’t have to put up with being called a loser, a deadbeat dad, etc. Shortly after he started to limit communication, she decided she had “issues” with him not following the parenting plan (still not quite sure what those issues were), demanded a mediation session, told him upfront she agreed with all of his requested changes to the plan, then went to the mediation session and pretended as if she was having a nervous breakdown. As she was pretending to be ill, he added a clause to their parenting plan that said they will only talk on the phone in the case of an emergency impacted their children. For some reason, she signed on to adding that. She later claimed that she thought his not talking to her on the phone was child neglect, but he could always point to their legal agreement. He then got phones for both of his children and added them to his plan, so he could contact them directly. Now, she’ll periodically send him a flurry of angry, overly-dramatic texts, but he doesn’t give her an immediate response. Our lives are so much better, he is so much calmer, and it makes it easier for him to have conflict-free time with his kids.

#6

Kids are a lot of work. Teens are even more work than babies. If you get involved with someone with children, he is a big part of their lives and you should just suck it up, or end the relationship. If my kids were with someone who was really stressed-out, like she texts to him, I would want to know about it. However, if the texts are just about pasta was on sale for 88 cents per box, he needs to talk to her.

#7

We are in a similar situation, ,been with my boyfriend for 2 and half year, ,I meet him 1 year after he separated with his ex girlfriend,they had 3 children together, , from sexual to verbal abuse text, ,named it all , ,she do that most of the time!! I’m at the point that I just don’t want to talk about it to my boyfriend anymore, , nothing has changed , , when I talk about it ,my boyfriend usually said “she’s hurt” ,“stay away from this” " she’s the mother of my children" “you don’t understand it” “we have a life together before” , , should I just give up on him???