Boyfriend is friends with his ex wife and talk every day

So here is my dilemma, if it really is one. I have been in a relationship for about 3 months now with someone I’ve known for about 3 years. He is divorced a year but is still friends with his ex wife. They have 3 kids together ages 21, 13, and 11. His ex wife also has bipolar disorder which is a big part of why they divorced. He also said that he felt like he was married to a good friend and not someone he was in love with. They were married for 15 years. Ok so that was some history.

Now that we have been in a relationship for a few months now I am noticing that the ex wife calls him for and about everything. Anywhere from one of the kids throwing a fit in the store to her dating and who she is dating when etc… He says that even though they are not together they are still friends and it doesn’t bother him when she talks about this stuff because he is over her.

My thing is- You are with someone now and that means the simple non important phone calls and texting should stop. If she is your ex then she needs to be your ex. Understanding they have children together but why is she calling about every little thing with the kids. These kids are old enough to call their dad if they have problems, she seems to call about everything non urgent or important. Like one of the kids are were hurting at 3am but they ended up being okay and went back to sleep, just thought I would tell you.

I don’t want to sound like a jealous ninny but it is really frustrating when you are trying to spend time together or alone and all of the sudden there is a voicemail or text message about NOTHING important! Am I overreacting?? Maybe it’s because they were together for so long that it is hard to break old habbits?? But it almost feels like he has two relationships going on.

I don’t think it’s petty. He obviously doesn’t understand the concept of letting go. And, neither does she. Something’s gotta give. And, I have a feeling, it’s gonna be you. I say that gently because I’ve seen it so many times when the outsider says to make a choice- and he/she chooses the one they were married to- all under the guise of- We want to remain friends for the sake of the kids. That’s a bunch of BS! My ex and I have 3 kids. We are together a lot of times. However, he rarely calls me. And, I rarely call him. But, we still manage to co-parent very effectively.I don’t know what to tell you to do…but, you may want to let him know that you will not be second fiddle to his exwife- and that’s exactly what it feels like!

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Yup, he has two relationships going, and he will until you refuse to put up with it anymore. But recognize that this is a battle you cannot win–if he doesn’t mind it, and he is getting some positive reinforcement from the interaction with his ex, you are the bad guy if you bring it up.You still have a choice: continue to date both of them or dump both of them. They are a package deal.

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I totally get what you’re saying. I’m kind of in the same kind of situation only I don’t have any children of my own. He has a little girl with his ex who is 6 yrs old and we have been in a relationship for 5 months. I completely trust him but am annoyed by his ex. She is constantly texting him. I feel too that she talks to him more than I do. For now I feel that I need to sit back and see how he handles all this but if we end up having a future together then him and I are going to have to have a little pow wow where boundaries are set about this woman controlling our lives.

I’m in the same situation but I live with him now for a year been with him for two years ex always texting tells me they are not as close as I think they are I say different she has no friends or family that’s what his friend told me I wish my boyfriend told me but I got made. at one time we were away and she text right when we got there about something stupid that she could of figure out I think she knew we were away I would be ok if he said they were friends but now since I got mad he lies to me all the time thank god she lives out of state he is retiring soon and wants me to move where ex and kids live he wants to be close to kids I said no way I’m not going to be best friends with ex she seems very needy and he won’t back away a little I just think it’s weird am I asking to much or just crazy

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You have been in his life for three months and you exct him to stop being friends with his ex? If they ate friends and not having sex, then what is the issue? it sounds like insecrity and petty jealousy to me. She was there before you, they have kids together, while you have been w. him for a mere 3 months and you expect him to let go of his friend ( yes exes can make good friends and if he wanted to be wth her , he would not be with you) whom he has known for years. Sounds controlling. If you ask him to give up on his bff, he may do it, but he will resent you for trying to control his life. He may even be friends with her behind your back. He is not doing anything wrong. he was friends w. his ex before he started a relationship w. you and asking him to let go of the friendship is controlling and manipulative. After three months you feel that the relationship is “solid” and you are beginning to have claims on him and dictating wh he should be friends with.

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I totally understand your situation, mandymac. No, you are not overreacting and it’s not jealousy. You are trying to set initial boundaries for what could get out of control later. I know because I am in the same boat, except I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. I wish I had better news.

My BF has a daughter with his ex and she texts him constantly, even though she has a steady man in her life and a high-paying job. She will text about her feelings - good and bad, her house, her dating problems, ask him how he’s doing, send pics when she’s out with friends at night, on and on. She will call late at night because she can’t get her daughter to sleep and will blame it on him or expect him to do something about it over the phone. If this is going on in your relationship at 3 months, it will most likely continue if he allows it. I thought his ex would stop once she found someone new, but I was wrong. My BF does not set boundaries with her and responds to all of her texts, no matter how inane. I thought he would change. I’ve told him many times how unhappy this makes me and he should ignore her unless her communication directly concerns their kid. We’ve had arguments about it. He claims that he doesn’t want to upset his ex by not responding because his daughter lives with her and needs a happy mom, and he says it doesn’t bother him. All of this kills me. I recently checked is text messages from her on the sly and found that she asked how he was doing again. He did try to deflect and remain distant, but she kept going and told him she can’t help that she cares deeply for him and and she will always be there for him if he needs someone (she divorced him 3 years ago, but left him and their daughter alone for two whole summers while she pursued her career options during their marriage - so no, she does not care deeply for him). He responded, “Thanks, same.” I believe she has a mental disorder or personality disorder. I ignored the signs at the beginning and I kind of regret it. I didn’t want to seem controlling or jealous right off the bat, so I tolerated her outbursts over every thing we did together and his trips with her to “spend time” with his daughter (not day trips, they went out of the country together for a week, he spent 5 days with with her over Christmas, etc). He kept assuring me it would get better and she would relax once she realized I wasn’t a threat. Nope. He even blamed me for not being more “cooperative” and letting her get to me. I’ve considered leaving. If a man doesn’t want to acknowledge that what he is doing is enabling his ex’s behavior and disrespecting you in the process, then you don’t have control of anything and it will only get worse.

Hi There,

I am in the same boat. I have been with my boyfriend for a year almost to the day. He has a 7 year old boy with his ex and they message about him all the time. They share their time with him almost equally and I only see my BF on days where he doesn’t have his son or anything else planned, so maybe a couple of days a week

Like you I understand that they need to communicate regarding their son, but it seems to be all the time. We’ll be in bed in the morning and hes texting her, or most recently swapping photos of the boy during our anniversary dinner. While I totally understand that they need to communicate, I just feel that allowing her to be a constant presence during the limited time we spend together shows a lack of care for my feelings, so no I don’t think you are over-reacting.

Unfortunately he doesn’t think its a problem, and when I voiced my concerns I was told in no uncertain terms that he will never stop it, so either I settle for third behind his son and ex or I move on. Can’t help feeling you may have to make the same choice.

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Wow! This sounds all too familiar. I feel your pain too because I know exactly how you feel. I’ve been with my boyfriend now for almost two years. Him and his ex have a 10 year old daughter together and they call each other and text constantly. He assured me it’s just for the sake of their daughter but it’s more than that. They also spend time together as a family. Going on trips together for their daughters sports competitions and spending time together in general. Him and I see each other probably once or twice a week if we’re lucky. I have no idea what his ex wife is doing. She cheated on him with a couple of his friends and now she seems to not be interested in dating anyone or at least she’s not talking about it. My ex cheated on me so I’m very sensitive with this whole situation. I love my boyfriend but I feel I am losing my sanity and have thought about ending things recently. I’ve been having anxiety and panic attacks which I think may be linked. Just know that I am thinking of you and you are not alone…

This is such an on point analysis. Are you a therapist? You could be… good advice. I have been dating a man that I met on a dating site. For nine years! We travel well together, but other than that, have very few things in common. We have become good friends, both knowing that we would most likely, never marry. However, he has made it clear that his ex will always be a good friend. That is fine and I get that. We are all in our early 60’s and I do not feel comfortable with the level of friendship the two of them keep. She cleans his house. They have three grown kids who struggle to keep up their own lives financially. One has had serious drug problems , one depends on Dad for work and pay to cover bills ( who also lives in a house owned by my er)

Reading all these comments and replies have truly been reassuring for me - we’re not alone! My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now, he shares his daughter with his ex wife and it has been a struggle for me since we moved in together a few months back. I began noticing how much she dictates his schedule and is a constant person he talks to on a daily basis. When we first began dating he constantly told me about what their issues were, how happy he was not to be married to her, etc. I opened the conversation up by encouraging him to have more patience with his ex and how he should feel bad for her given all her choices she’s made for herself (she cheated on him and ended up getting pregnant from two other guys), and that for his daughter’s sake to try and develop a healthier relationship with his ex. In a lot of ways I wish I hadn’t ever set any of that up because now she calls him complaining about her now fiancé, any kind inconvenience, asking for money, you name it. A lot of the time this happens when he gets home from work and we finally are able to spend some time together but I’m left on the couch with the movie on pause waiting for them to wrap up the conversation. I’ve never been in this kind of situation before and am trying my best to get accustomed to it but I go around in circles wondering if it’s worth it.