@JenniferSaoirse Sorry no one replied to this last October. If you are still reading the board hope this advice helps.
Boundaries are extremely important and it sounds like you have already figured that out. As long as she is treating her BPD I doubt you'll have much of a leg to stand on with that one. Here is what I would do if I were you:
- Ask your partner (her ex-spouse) to write her an email. Keep the email brief but friendly. You might say something like:
I hope you are well.
You are clearly interested in the kids getting lots of extra-curricular activities as demonstrated by this instance, this instance, and this instance. Please be aware that adding a 4th extra-curricular will not be possible this season for our schedule.
It is likely she will want to call and discuss it or write you back. Have your partner keep a recorder on him and record any conversations as long as it is legal in your state. They sell small ones that can go in pockets for under $30. Record her response when she complains. Verbally explain again what your boundaries and that you are only willing to allow for X number of extra-curricular activities. Do not insult her or raise your voice in any way. Be polite and be brief.
It sounds like you have been before the judge before. You may have to go again. Sometimes boundaries do need to be enforced with legal action. It is critical that you demonstrate that you are the reasonable parents always in every situation. You can not insult, bring up her mental illness if she is treating it, or engage in a fight with her. Let her actions speak to the court. Your characterization of her actions isn't the best approach. Do not disparage previous rulings or try and analyze why the judge decided the way he/she did. That will just upset them. Keep basing all court action on her behavior and have evidence to back up your claims every time.
Be cognizant that you are doing what is in the Best Interest of the Kids. Extra curricular activities are one of those things courts like parents to do for their kids. It is healthy and good for them. If you guys aren't the ones ever orchestrating an extra-curricular maybe you should start doing that.
Some resources to help with high conflict co-parenting:
Anything by Bill Eddy. He is a former mediator and family law attorney. He has written books specifically dealing with high conflict. One that comes to mind is called "5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life"
Simone Kelley has a good book called "Co-Parenting Nightmare: The Utterly Thankless Job of a Step-parent"
I would also read or reread some of the classics on Borderline Personality. The one that comes to mind is "Stop Walking On Eggshells" by Randi Kreger & Paul Mason.
Best of Luck!