18 months and counting

DISCLAIMER: This post is particularly long please read it carefully if you do read.

Hello, I am 31 and my wife and I have been separated now for 18 months and married 6.5 years as we are in year 7 now. I am in a whirlwind of confusion as to how much more of this I can take. My wife cheated on me 2 years ago and I was stricken with anger and confusion and it caused me to retaliate against her. My “getback” required her to do somethings sexual that she otherwise wouldn’t do, but I never forced the actions only hinted at them and she obliged. I took one action too far and she cried but I didn’t care, on our anniversary the same year, I got drunk blacked out and she told me I hit her. I had never laid my hands on a woman in such ways and I was disgusted with myself. She told me she knew that wasn’t me but a spirit that had taken over my body and she feared something bad would happen if she left. I woke the next morning without knowledge of the incident and she didn’t tell me until a week later. She posed we move out to help save money to buy our first house since we had recently completed our Chapter 7 bankruptcy. She said she would move to her mother’s but she knew I didn’t want that and I told her well since it is only for a few months, I could move to my mom’s and we just crash at each other’s parents in set days.

It started off that way, but I was still on my anger tour for another 6 months which included me threatening her life( this came after I decided I couldn’t do the separation anymore and she kept telling me we would move eventually. It was only meant to scare her and had no feeling and I can’t explain it because it wasn’t even a real threat. She made me out to be a monster by calling me Jekyll and Hyde so I made light of it with the statement and naturally she took it heart. And another black out episode that wasn’t violent and I actually remember bits and pieces of it. I eventually realized that I had depression after many thoughts of suicide and anxiety attacks,I went to a psychologist and a psychiatrist and I was given meds and a few sessions.I made strides and my sessions decreased tremendously but I was still taking meds. I haven’t had an episode with blacking out since February 2017, but I did have one bad episode in which I wanted to commit suicide back in March of this year, and it caused my wife great stress. It was only a thought as I remembered that my kids needed me and I talked myself off the ledge and haven’t had issues. I have been good and even depression has been suppressed without meds.

Now, most of the back story is out the way let me tell you of the good, I have done. We tried counseling once last year and we had 2 sessions, they were going ok, but we didn’t continue because we started to get worst. We went back to marriage counseling earlier this year and this time we had 8 sessions and I learned a lot about my wife and myself. I have been pushing for us to move back in together because I had to explain to her that I wasn’t like this before she cheated and broke up our family and that I deserve a chance to make things good. The separation is weighing on my heart, soul, and mind and now I am at the point that I am thinking about divorce. She has told me that she accepts the fact that if we get a divorce that it is her fault and that pisses me off. I told her it feels as if she knows divorce is coming and doesn’t seem to mind. We see each other maybe once a week twice if I am lucky and more if I make an extra ditch effort. Phone time is scarce because of work and life and I hate talking on the phone to my wife when we have to ability to talk face to face.

I feel crazy for holding on to this marriage and she can still justify every reason for us being this way. I told her if she feels I will do the same things again, then she should file for divorce instead of dragging us in the mud for this long. We have made major strides but we still seem to be a zero in my book. I am sorry for this long post but again How long is too long? I still am in stupid love with my wife and I still do and provide any and every thing for her.

i understand how you feel. i had been married for 25 years and not once have my spouse tried to meet me halfway and it suck. My advice to you, 31 is young, provide for children, but make ground rules for spouse such as financial support.
start working on getting yourself back. There is no amount of Love that should make you lower your morals and integrity to get even. I know you wanted her to hurt like she hurt you. But take a look in the mirror, who is hurting now
Right now, you need to get control of your life and live again
not just exist.

Thank you and I agree, but how to deal with the emotional stress of everything, she has been a friend since 7th grade, a great support since we reconnected heavily 11 years ago, and ultimately my everything for the past 7 years and I don’t know which decision is right. I have the fear of not knowing what comes next, how do I handle seeing her with someone else if it happens? I am truly in deep soul-searching mode.

Wow, I get that.so for now just take it one day at a time, snd hope that one day, you will be able to communicate civil.
It suck, I know. But seek out counseling for yourself.

My suggestion is seek out counseling for yourself. Allow yourself to heal. Trust me i understand the pain youre in ive been there. However violence on any level is not ok. Nor is the emotional or mental abuse you are suffering from her actions. Seek help and God your marriage can be saved.

Thank you for the advice, Here we are almost a year later and we are still separated, I like to think we are somewhat better than we were but I am hoping for more progress as the year continues. I believe we gave each other kind of a mutual agreement that we are getting a divorce at the beginning of next year if this year doesn’t pan out.