After the Divorce, Social Networking Do’s and Don’ts to Expand your Connections
So you’re LinkedIn, twittering and finding friends on facebook. But after the divorce, can social networking really help you find the love of your life or is it simply a way to find some folks to talk to? It depends, according to experts, who say relationships that begin on social networking sites require work and attention to survive — just like any other relationship.
Dr. Jay Granat, Ph.D., encourages his newly divorced patients to “take advantage of the Internet and to utilize this efficient tool for meeting others”– using caution and common sense, of course. “A number of my patients have married people who they have met on the Internet,” he said.
Brenda Shoshanna, Ph.D., and author of “Jewish Dharma: A Guide to the Practice of Judaism and Zen,” said sometimes people who are recovering from failed relationships see social networking as an easy way to get back into the game. “Often after the excitement of meeting others through a social networking event, we feel that we have acquired new relationships, not realizing that this is only the first step. Contact must be kept up, expectations must be kept to a minimum. Only time and on-going contact lets us know whether the connection will grow into a relationship with mutual give and take, time spent together and shared interests. Otherwise, the great danger is that the contact will grow instead, into a fantasy relationship, where we imagine we are connected to someone, but it is only in fantasy,” she said.
Relationship expert Brenda Della Casa, author of “Cinderella Was a Liar,” cautioned that learning about someone through social networking simply isn’t the same as learning about them in person: “Social networking sites and dating sites are fabulous ways to meet people and keep in contact with those you know but, in this age of cyber relationships (platonic and romantic) let us not devalue the importance of true, physical social interaction. Using these sites as a supplement is one thing but when you find yourself living in a world of ‘LoL’s’ it’s time to call up your friend or lover and go have a real laugh over a real cup of coffee or cocktail.”
“…We forget that not everyone shares our morals and value systems and it is far easier to create a persona behind a computer screen. In addition, many people tend to spill more of their secrets at a faster pace when sitting at their laptops,” Della Casa said.
“As romantic as the “Sleepless in Seattle” scenario might be, it is essential to remember that you only get to know a person by interacting with them. You won’t know about their annoying gum-snapping, rude comments to waiters or potentially creepy habits by reading something they send to your inbox…”
Tina Tessina, Ph.D., agrees that social networking has its limitations. “I think social networking sites are great for getting support for a specific problem (a rare disease, grief, weight loss, etc) or for business (advertising, business networking) but they really rarely lead to face to face friendship,” said Tessina, a psychotherapist from Long Beach, Calif., and author of “The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again.” She gives these tips for anyone trying to get involved in social networking after a divorce:
Do’s and Don’ts for social networking from Tina Tessina:
1. DO use SN for having fun with friends.
DON’T expect someone you only know online to be there for you in a face-to-face way.
2. DO let the world know what’ you’re doing on Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, MySpace or any of the other SN sites.
DON’T get too preachy, needy or critical on the sites.
3. DO share photos, videos, cartoons, blog posts, etc. with friends far and near through social networking.
DON’T trust things posted on the sites by people you don’t know otherwise.
4. DO learn how to use whatever site you’re on, so you can block unwanted people, limit postings and e-mail, and keep control of your own site.
DON’T send too many things out to everyone.
5. Tweet as much as you want, but don’t inundate your Facebook or other SN friends with videos from YouTube.
DO send links rather than actual articles, blogs, videos, etc. It gives your SN friends the power to decide if and when they’ll see/read them.
6. DON’T get angry if someone else sends you too much stuff, flames you, or otherwise acts badly. Just use the site’s software to limit what they can send you, or block them.
7. DO keep your face to face social life going (or create one). Get outside with people and do things, join clubs, participate in sports. It takes more energy, but it’s a lot healthier than sitting in front of your screen.
