Online Dating: Tips to Get Your Friends, Family to Give Good Recommendations

The ad in ‘Washingtonian Magazine’ read: “Looking for a man who lives by his word(s), who laughs at himself easily, who is able to say what’s hard to say, and who believes that life is what you make it. All other virtues/vices negotiable. Lifestyle vision: we take our laptops on a mountain retreat but return if a friend’s in need. Also, we blend work, play, and contribution in such measures that they are indistinguishable. Free-lancer (like me) preferred but extraordinary 9-5ers considered.”

Andy Murphy didn’t see the ad, but two friends did and both of them knew that Andy was looking for that special someone. One of them wrote to Teresa Flynn, the ad’s author, on Andy’s behalf. The other read the entire ad into Andy’s phone answering machine saying, “She’s looking for you. Don’t pass on this.” He didn’t and today, almost 20 years later, Andy and Teri Murphy joyfully blend work, play, and contribution while writing together on mountain and seaside retreats and helping friends in need.

How about you? When family and friends say, “I know someone who would be just perfect for you” does it bring a smile or a shiver?

Those reluctant to turn to their inner circle for matchmaking might want to rethink. The Pew Internet and American Life Survey found that 34 percent of married couples met their spouse through family and friends. As Teri and Andy Murphy’s story shows, letting those who know you best know you are looking for that right relationship can be a great way to find long-term happiness.

Bob Burg, the bestselling author of “Endless Referrals,” agrees. Burg teaches companies and individuals how to apply and perfect business networking and positive persuasion skills to improve their personal and professional success. All things being equal, people will do business with and refer business to those people they know, like and trust, Burg said. People who feel good about us want to see us succeed, which means they will go out of their way to help us succeed through referrals.”

After he was voted one of Cosmopolitan Magazine’s Most Eligible Bachelors, Burg began showing people how they could use the 250 people in their everyday network for matchmaking. “The goal of networking is to meet not only potential mates but also to meet people who will know of potential mates and will want to introduce you,” said Burg.

Burg suggests you sit down with friends over coffee and let them know that you’re “in the market.” “Make sure you provide some parameters, so they know exactly who your desired ‘prospects’ are,” Burg said. I guarantee that since they ‘know you, like you and trust you,’ they’ll be only too happy to connect you with people they know. Keep in mind that marketing is a numbers game. With the networking system, you exponentially increase your odds of meeting that special one.” A hybrid of offline social networking and online dating is the high tech dating wave of the future.

Online dating services are taking notice of the power of family and friends and finding ways to incorporate social networking with online dating. “There’s this belief that online dating services have some kind of great science in the area compatibility,” said Trish McDermott, former vice president of global communications for Match.com. “But, if you ask single people ‘What do you think is the best way to meet the love of your life?’ almost all of them will say not some incredible piece of science, but the way we’ve done it for hundreds of years, the intervention or meddling of friends and family.”

Today, McDermott is vice president of love at Engage.com, where her team has created a social community so singles can date with help of friends and family. It’s like a big cocktail party where families collaborate, suggest someone, and introduce someone, just like what happens in the offline line.

How does it work? Say you’re on as a dater and you see Bob’s profile and you think he’d be a good match for you. Go ahead and contact him. But, maybe you think right away of Nancy. You can export his profile to her and say, “Check him out” and can ask for feedback. With a click of a mouse, you can also send both Bob and Nancy an e-mail that has a link to a page where both profiles are displayed side by side. Right in the center is text from you, “Hey, Bob, meet Nancy. Hey, Nancy, meet Bob. I don’t really know Bob but I see he just got out of the Peace Corps and I thought of you because I know you just got out of Peace Corps, too.” Then, stand back and let the magic happen.

McDermott believes one of the problems with traditional online dating is that people are matched in a social vacuum where there is no one to vouch for you or hold you accountable if you’re being squishy with the truth. For example, MSNBC reported that 30 percent of online daters were married. “In the real world, there are social consequences to our behavior. If we are dishonest, or unkind, we end up with a reputation that warns others off,” said McDermott. “But most online dating sites do nothing to track reputation or gather any kind of user feedback. And they do little to verify that people are being authentic.”

“A community where people know you tend to curtail dishonesty. If no one knows me, it’s very easy for me to be something different than I am. If I say I’m 6′ tall and I’m only 5′ 2″ what will matches do? Complain to the site? Well, if I’m on Engage and not telling the truth about myself, there are social checks and balances,” said McDermott.

Not only does being in a dating community where people know you make you more honest, it also makes for more kindness and more responsive. In 2005, Jupiter Research took a look at the top three online dating services and found that only 28 percent of the customers said they were satisfied, some because they hadn’t fallen in love; but, for most, it was because nothing happened when they were on the site. Steven Levitt and Stephen Dubner, authors of the best-selling ‘Freakonomics,’ found that 57 percent of the men and 23 percent of the women who were paid members of the top three sites never received a single contact.

“Because Bob is one of your friends, I don’t want him to feel like he’s a total loser. So, if you fix me up with Bob and I don’t think he’s the one, rather than ignore him, I’m going to get back to him and say I don’t think he’s a good fit, but, thanks,” said McDermott.

“One big plus of using your network for matchmaking is having people who can say nice things about you. When people write their online dating profiles, they can come across as boasting and bragging “” potential matches can think, ‘you’re too into yourself,'” said McDermott. “Friends can get away with bragging about us. While I can’t say ‘I’m gorgeous and incredibly intelligent,’ you can say that about me, and it feels authentic.”

FIVE QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF TO GET GOOD REFERRALS

Are my friends the kind of people I’d want to marry?

Generally, people introduce you to folks in their social circle that, means people who think and live like they do. So, are your friends healthy, happy, successful people? If so, you’ll probably get great referrals. On the other hand, if their lives have more drama than a 10-act play with curtain calls upgrade your Rolodex.

How can I make this a positive experience for my friends?

No matter how great a friend, some people just aren’t into matchmaking. So, when you ask them for referrals, Bob Burg recommends you remove the possibility they may feel intimidated into agreeing to something they don’t want to do by telling them, “If you don’t feel comfortable doing this, I certainly will understand.” Then again, people sometimes shy away from matchmaking because they’re afraid if it bombs, they’ll lose their friendship with you. If friends do agree to set you up and the date comes under the heading of This Is The Last Person On The Planet I’d Want To Be With, you might be tempted to ask them, “What were you thinking?” Instead, try this: “We weren’t the right fit but I really appreciate your help and look forward to meeting anyone else you think might be a match.” That will keep the friendship and help assure future referrals. While you need to make it OK for people to say ‘no’ to matchmaking, most people, especially women, naturally want to be helpful and love to be part of creating great romance. Saying, “I’d love it if you’d join so people can see what kind of great friends I have,” is a feel-good way of inviting family and friends to be part of your online social networking site.

Am I willing to respect boundaries?

While it’s normal to chat after the first date about how things went, steer clear of making friends the middleman as in, “Has she said anything about how hot I am?” If they volunteer the information, great. But, don’t use friends to find out what the other person thinks about you or the future of your relationship. Especially avoid asking friends to be go-betweens to help you patch up disagreements.

What do they need to know about me to make the best match possible?

Sure they know a lot about you, but don’t expect others to be mind-readers about what you’re looking for in a soulmate. Develop a romantic resume. On it, place your contact information, photo and either your online profile or a personals ad” such as the one Teri Murphy wrote. Not everyone will want a copy of this, but some will, so have it handy, if asked.

What can I do to say thanks?

Giving back is part of an attractive personality. Not only that, but gratitude keeps you connected to power. While there’s no need to be effusive with your thanks, a simple handwritten thanks for thinking of me” or a small gift from time to time go a long way towards keeping friends invested in passing along your name the next time a great catch comes to mind.

Online Dating Referral Websites

www.engage.com

Free. Mission: Make meeting people fun again. A naturally playful and low-pressure way to meet new people through introductions from your extended network of friends. On Engage, you get to seek friends’ feedback and advice. Learn what someone’s friends say about them. Let the people who know you best make introductions on your behalf. And best of all, feel out an attraction before fast-forwarding to that first exciting in-person get-together.

www.matchmakingkids.com

Free initial three-month subscription. After that, $24.95 per month or three months for $44.95. $9.95 for each additional person you sponsor. One subscription gets you access to all three databases. Motto: Trust Mom (Friends, Kids) to find your mate. They know you best! Family and friends, not the dater, join and create the single person’s profile and then candidly network to find a match for their loved ones. The service provides matchmaker scorecards to keep you organized and once possible matches are found, templated invitations that can be sent out to set up dates on the single person’s behalf.