Recently, on the Wevorce blog, we opened up a conversation about Divorce Archetype™ profiles and offered a preview of groundbreaking research we’ve compiled over recent years. This post continues our series: Divorce Archetype™ Profiles Uncovered. Today, we explore the Traffic Lights profiles in greater detail.
Profile: Traffic Lights
The Traffic Lights profiles signify the readiness of each spouse during the divorce process. These correspond with literal traffic signals, and are as follows: Red Light (also referred to as Positional), Honeystuck, and Green Light. It is worth noting that both spouses may not necessarily fall under the same Traffic Light profile. For instance, a Betrayed spouse may find himself or herself identifying with either 1) the Red Light/Positional or 2) the Honeystuck profile. Meanwhile, Initiators are often more eager to move through the divorce process, and they typically fall under the Green Light profile.
Profile: Positional/Red Light
When the Positional/Red Light profile is involved, these couples are often unable to agree on most things. Settlement may feel impossible, especially if one spouse feels wronged by the other. In these relationships, tensions are often high because one spouse may feel he or she is owed something, and couples end up fighting each time they try to reach an agreement. This near-constant emotional ambush usually leads to an exhausting cycle of anger, resentment, and fear.
For couples in the Red Light position, emotional responses and triggers tend to drive each person’s position, and there is generally no legal resolution when emotional fuel is involved. However, there is hope for eventual peace and it usually involves seeking professional help via mediation and/or professional counseling. By receiving such guidance in navigating through raw emotions, couples can learn to untangle emotional responses from honest financial concerns and legal issues. The resulting insights are often the first step toward unpacking one’s position, which then allows a couple to start moving through settlement negotiation.
It’s helpful to remember there is always potential for healing and recovery, even if it seems impossible. It may start by acknowledging this one common ground: that both spouses are in a positional stance. From here, optimum outcomes can ideally be determined, with a process being built around mutual goals. In the meantime, individuals in a positional stance may find it constructive to change one’s mental scenery, or to engage in activities that distract from the immediate pain and replace it with something pleasurable. This can be as simple as sitting with a cup of coffee or taking a walk.
Profile: Honeystuck
In the Honeystuck profile, a spouse may have days when he or she feels ready to move forward and days when divorce seems impossible to face. Even if a person feels ready, the situation may also be sad and confusing because there are parts of every relationship we may wish we could keep, even while there are other parts we may need to let go of.
In these cases, we must remember much in life is a paradox, especially when it comes to relationships. Sometimes joy and sadness coexist even during divorce. As surprising as it may seem, there is often a silver lining that can be found in even the darkest of clouds. Despite long-held societal beliefs and expectations, divorce is not as black and white as some friends or family would have us believe. On the contrary, divorce is a time to redefine your relationship, as painful as it may seem. Spend time identifying the parts of your relationship you would like to keep and the parts you would like to let go of. There are also variations of the Honeystuck profile: Gas and Break, Parent/Child, and Driverless.
Honeystuck – Gas and Brake
In this variation of the Honeystuck profile, one spouse is ready to get divorced (pushing the gas pedal, so to speak) and the other is just not ready to face it (pressing the brakes). While one of you may have been thinking you were heading for divorce for a while, the other always hoped you could work through your challenges and remain married.
If your spouse is ready to make a decision but you are not, it’s OK to ask for more time within the divorce process. The passing of time can provide perspective, so identify a realistic pace for yourself and talk to your spouse about what that time frame looks like for both of you. But be specific about how much time you need and what steps you will take to prepare yourself for this transition. When communicating your needs, it may be helpful to use a template of non-defensive language. For instance, “I understand that you are ready for divorce, but I feel _____ (shocked, sad, angry) and need time and space to come to terms with this change in our lives. Would you being willing to give me ____ (a few days, weeks, months) before we start the process? Even though I am not ready right now, I am open to discussing this with you shortly. Can you give me ___ (24 hours, a week, a month)?”
If you are the spouse who is ready to push the gas pedal, dig deep and ask yourself how long you are willing to wait while your partner processes this life change. The spouse who is pushing the brakes often needs time and emotional and educational support to settle into the transition. While they are processing, can you begin doing the homework required for the divorce process, namely, gathering documents and starting to outline budgets?
A skilled mediator will help to balance that request for additional time by setting decision-making deadlines. It is a good idea for each spouse to articulate their ideal time frame for the spouse on the gas pedal, this will be how long they are willing to wait; for the spouse riding the brakes, this will be how long he or she needs to come to terms with starting the divorce process. Working with a counselor can help each spouse find the words to put to their emotions.
Honeystuck – Parent/Child
In the Parent/Child relationship dynamic, one spouse feels as if he or she bears the majority of the responsibility, while the other doesn’t understand why their spouse takes everything so seriously. The spouse playing the Parent role may experience codependency, resentment, and anger while confusion, hurt, and fear are often felt by the spouse in the role of Child.
If this parent/child dynamic exists, it will be important to 1) build an infrastructure of communication, 2) set clear expectations, and 3) establish healthy boundaries. During this process, it will be important to not deviate from any agreements you reach together. Each spouse will need time to avoid patterns of codependency, practice emotional self-sufficiency, and resolve to not be too quick to accommodate each other’s needs and demands.
Honeystuck – Driverless
In general, both spouses in a Driverless dynamic tend to go with the flow. When it comes to divorce, both usually have a hard time making decisions and getting things done. In these situations, a couple must agree on a pace, identify tasks to be completed, and then name how long each partner will need to complete each task. Creating a focus sheet can help by writing down each task and the deadline, then checking in with one another to help ensure accountability.
Profile: Green Light
The Green Light Divorce Archetype profile describes couples who have been wrestling with the decision to divorce for a while, but are now ready to part ways and move on to the next chapter of their lives. This does not mean indifference or lack of love; in many cases, spouses grappled with sadness and confusion for a long while, but have reached a place where they feel a sense of relief and clarity. The prospect of moving forward can now be seen as a strength, and one that empowers the entire family.
However, even if both spouses are ready/eager to move forward, remember there are a lot of changes heading your way. If you move too fast, you might miss learning important lessons to support the change you seek. By slowing down, you and your spouse give yourselves the opportunity to learn from past mistakes so you are not destined to repeat them.
It may also be helpful to contextualize the issue of timing. For instance, how long did you spend planning your wedding? Most couples spend months on the details purchasing rings, finding a dress, sharing the news, planning the parties and almost none of that time is spent filing the marriage certificate. The document gets filed at the end of a thoughtful process and we believe the same mentality should be required for divorce.
“Divorce is so painful that both parties often want to rush through it and skip straight to the paperwork,” says Michelle Crosby, Wevorce Founder and CEO. “But just like marriage, divorce isn’t really about the paperwork. It’s about the significant life transition and closing emotional relationships. Although the Initiator may be ready to sign the documents, they are rarely ready to deal with the impact of the divorce on their family, lifestyle, and finances.”
By honoring that same transitional time period, couples create a favorable foundation for building a sustainable settlement. In the meantime, a temporary arrangement can be arranged to assist each partner in processing their emotions without rushing to finalize the divorce. In this way, we are able to guide the process safely before severing the legal tie with paperwork, thus helping to achieve an optimum outcome while minimizing the long-term impact on both parties.
Divorce Archetype profiles in review
Initiator vs Reactor (Influencers)
Every divorce will have an Initiator (one who has reached their breaking point) and Reactor (one who isn’t ready to face it). The only variant may be when an additional archetypal layer is added by an affair, during which delicate emotions may seem to be wrapped in barbed wire.
Dependents
The Dependent is rather self-explanatory; if you had children, or adopted children during your marriage and they are still legally in your care, you fall under this profile.
Happily Even After vs. Solo
The Happily Even After profile describes couples who want to work together to keep divorce amicable. The couples who can’t agree on whether or not to get a divorce, or the terms of a divorce fall under the Solo profile.
Find more information about Divorce Archetype™ assessments here.
