If you are considering separating or are in the process of separating, chances are that you are feeling pretty scared and confused. Hopefully, the points below will help you to start putting the pieces back together. I have outlined some of the common feelings people often experience during the initial stages of separation, based on both my personal and professional experience.

The Wants

In my experience, people on the verge of separation want to move forward with their lives as quickly as possible, with the least impact on their children and minimal expense incurred on legal fees. They want to minimize the disruption to their lives and be able to think more rationally and less emotionally. Most people, in short, want a relatively painless separation. It is possible. However, they don’t know how to do it. They should think things through before they see a lawyer.

The Needs

Firstly, you need to go easy on yourself and to take things slowly. One day at a time. Some days will feel harder than others, but that’s life. The important thing is to accept where you are at any given time, and allow yourself some time and space to grieve – it’s all about finding the right balance.

Anxiety, Worries And Fears

Many people who are separating feel anxious, worried about their future and where everything will end up. They also worry about finances and where their children will be sleeping. They are scared about losing control over their lives, losing their families and everything they have worked hard to acquire during their lives. These are all perfectly legitimate concerns and should be acknowledged, not suppressed.

It is normal to be scared of losing your money, your family home and your kids when initially separating. Everyone fears these things. It is also perfectly normal to be worried about how you will afford legal costs. Or fear becoming stuck and having no clear way forward. It can be scary to face the unknown future of going it alone.

Some people find it helpful to identify these fears, write them down and discuss them with a counselor. Acknowledging your feelings means you are on the road toward awareness. Being self-aware is something that most people in our society lack today. Becoming more mindful of your thoughts and feelings will help you through your separation (and life in general). Awareness of your own anxieties will help you focus your priorities, and communicate what is really most important as you work toward a successful separation.

Frustrations

Feelings of frustration, anger or hurt that the relationship broke down are common. Many people blame themselves for having failed in relationships. Often they feel frustrated with their former spouse or partner too, so communication becomes more difficult.

Remember the importance of communication when you are embarking on the separation process — communication is essential when working out the division of assets and a plan for the children. Use awareness of your greatest fears and anxieties as the basis for dialogue to resolve those specific issues, and move the whole process forward more smoothly.