Parenting: Tips to Help You Talk to your Kids about Sex
If there are children in your life with whom you need to talk about sex, chances are that you have had sex. Whether you’re single, married, divorced or remarried, you’re already an expert on the topic. The good news is you have already survived being a kid and somehow learning about sex. You can use all that worked for you and didn’t work for you in those experiences to shape your plan now.
Most of talking to kids about sex has nothing to do with sex. It’s about life and treating yourself and the people you care about with respect. Here’s why that’s a fabulous thing. Talking about sex starts small and we have time as parents to gain confidence in our ability to talk about sex before questions about wet dreams, STDs, pornography and orgasms come our way. Believe me, we want those questions to come to us instead of going anywhere else!
The biggest problem most parents have talking to kids about sex is nerves. Conquering nerves can be helped by having a plan for the talk. Here are some tips to help.
1. Have a healthy attitude about sex.
The goal for your kids, to grow up and have a healthy, loving, amazing sexual relationship and for them to be comfortable with their boundaries and confident in giving and receiving love in all its forms.
2. KISS: Keep It Simple Stupid.
Answer questions truthfully but briefly, often one sentence is plenty. Let the kids ask follow-up questions if they want. Believe me, they will let you know how much information they want. Half an hour before I wrote this article my seven-year-old asked, “Mommy, what’s sex?” My answer: “Sex is how people make babies.” His response: “Ugh!”Clearly, that was all he needed to know. When I was pregnant, my oldest who was two and a half at the time, was very curious about how the baby got into my tummy. I started with gardening. “It’s kind of like when we planted beans in the garden, remember?” He then asked a follow-up question. “But how does the seed get into your tummy?” This is a child who, unlike his brother, loves details. I always try to stick to the plan. KISS, one sentence. “The Daddy puts it there,” I said. “But how does the Daddy put it there, does it have to do with the penis?” he asked. I gave him the option of stopping with a little information and he was able to choose to find out more. “Yes,” I answer. “I’ll tell you how if you really want to know but you’ll probably think it’s kind of gross and messy.” Instantly I started to worry. Did I just set him up to think that sex is bad? I deviated from the plan a bit and added, “It’s wonderful for parents but it’s hard for kids to believe because it’s not part of your life until you’re an adult in love and want to make a baby.” Happily, his face went from furrowed brows of deep contemplation to relaxed and happy. “Okay,” he said and then changed the topic entirely. As he grows older he knows he can come to me for truthful answers and not have to go behind my back and outside my influence to get basic information. In both situations, I respected the needs of my child.
If you’re not confident in your ability to think on your feet then read books, talk to your spouse/partner/friends and brainstorm short answers. Talking to young kids about sex should be driven by their curiosity, their needs. Most kids are content to know that the baby is in the Mommy’s tummy long before they care about how it got there or how it is going to get out. So remember to keep it simple and give kids a chance to follow up if they want to.
3. Find teachable moments.
They pop up everywhere. When you see a child dressed like a hooker, comment on how sad that makes you. Talk about how the way you dress and carry yourself sends a message to people. When you’re talking about toys, sharing them, taking care of them, putting them away. This is about respect. Talking about showing respect to the things you care about builds language and lays the groundwork for talking about showing respect for yourself. In a tickle fight always stop when a child says stop and point it out that you stopped right away. You respect their right to their body and expect them to do the same for you. Make sure you tell them that if anyone doesn’t respect them, they can always talk to you about it no matter what.
Few of us feel that our parents did a good job talking to us about sex. We can learn from their mistakes. Let’s avoid the big conversations which do not open a dialogue for thinking about how we want to be in our lives. What we want for our kids is to be able to talk and think about the complexity of relationships. We want to give them the tools to be able to make healthy, knowledgeable decisions for themselves.
We are sexual beings. Sexual relationships are anything but simple. They have physical, psychological, social, even financial components. Our job as parents of young children is to open the door and make sex okay to talk about. So remember, have a great attitude about sex, keep it simple and let the kids dictate how much detail they get and use teachable moments.
