There are many things to consider when making a decision to separate or not. If a couple has been together for more than a few years, if there are children, and if one or the other person has primarily stayed home while the other worked to support the family, changes that occur when a couple separates can be enormous.
If you’re someone considering separation, the questions of what brought you together as a couple and what kept you together are key to the foundation required for an honest discussion of what to do next. Stories of how you met, what you liked about each other, how long you dated, why and when you decided to get married, and what you hoped for at the time are the gist of what brought you together. These need to be revisited often in any marriage, as they are the memories upon which most people base their relationship. These memories can be the fodder for renewal of love and romance. They are the stories that children and grandchildren like to hear, a history of the joy and excitement that opened two people up to the possibility they could commit to a marriage.
Long term committed relationships involve many layers of intricate details that should be reviewed when contemplating separation or divorce. An exception to listing pros and cons is an instance where serious recent abuse has occurred or there are safety issues at stake.
If a couple has reached the point where the reasons they began their relationship no longer motivate them going on, where the relationship has stopped being workable, and they have no hope that it will change for the better, then it is probably time to consider separation. There is some merit to making this decision sooner sometimes, rather than later, if it reduces conflict and unhappiness. However, there will still be issues to sort out, and moving through this stage too quickly can sometimes also be more upsetting for everyone.
Absence the urgency of certain safety-related issues, the decision to separate should have at least three components:
- Review of what has worked and kept you together so far.
- More than one attempt to make changes that would keep you together.
- Honest, open communication about the separation that leaves everyone feeling safe and stable while any needed changes occur.
If one of the people in the couple still holds hope for change and a continued relationship, it may take more time to transition apart. Review of all that brought you together, kept you together, and the gifts that each of you have received from the relationship, can be the beginning of a gentler way to undo the relationship. The idea that relationships last forever is no longer as concrete as it might once have been. Any feelings of shame associated with not wanting or being able to continue need to be set aside to allow for gratitude and acceptance to begin to frame the change. Beginning the decision making with a review of the positive history of what has kept you together can be gentle way to move into the conversation about separation, and then drafting some guidelines for how the process will take shape.
