Dating after Divorce: Tips to Keep the Date and the Kids from Hating Each Other
Rita Adams’ divorce from her husband, Mark, was so devastating that for the longest time she refused to date at all. “It was just too painful to consider. I was too vulnerable. And yes, I’m glad I waited until I was more open, and less judgmental.”
After waiting over a year, Rita may have been ready to move on, but her daughter wasn’t ready for her to do so. “Katie was only five when we broke up, and truly worshipped her father.” The first time Rita invited a man into her home to introduce him to Katie, the child fell to the floor weeping. Rita winces at the memory. “She said so mournfully, ‘My life is over!'”
“Needless to say, that date ended right then and there. He had no interest in competing for my affections. Not that he ever could. Seeing her reaction made me consider giving up dating altogether.”
It’s quite natural for children to react negatively when their divorced parents begin dating again, says Shannon Myers, Marriage and Family therapist, of San Rafael, Calif. “Already they are upset and confused as to their own feelings in regard to their parents’ new situation, not to mention their roles in it. Seeing their parent with a new partner terminates any hope they may have that their parents will eventually get back together.”
San Francisco psychologist Amy Bandera agrees. Sometimes divorced parents will rush the process of commitment. They strive to recreate the life they once had, and are seeking comfort and the need to have someone in their lives again. Unfortunately, that desire may obscure their ability to see clearly.
“And younger children don’t always understand the concept of dating. Remember that the child has experienced a loss, too,” says Bandera. “Lessening any anxieties ‘both theirs and yours’ is going to be important to you.”
All the more reason to think through how you present this new life situation, says Bandera. In fact, she suggests to her divorced clients that they hold off at least three months before introducing their children to the new love of their lives.
Once the introduction is made, Myers suggests that you give your children as much leeway as possible to be themselves. Don’t expect them to be on their best behavior 100 percent of the time. Remember, they are going to be wary of this new person in your life, for a reason: “their family life has already gone through some drastic changes, and they are wary about more changes to come.”
Your children’s age “and maturity” will be an important factor in how they react to this new situation. Younger children may be more vocal or show their anxiety by acting out, whereas ‘tweens and teens may pretend not to care, or perhaps grow silent and turn inward.
“Boys are less communicative than girls,” warns Myers. “While teen girls may talk, what they say may be hurtful. They may use words as well as actions as a way to rebel about the situation. Your job is to do a lot of listening, and to ask them questions. How do your children feel about the transition? Are they confused, angry or hurt? Where are their fears?”
At all times, be very clear and direct in your communication with your children as to this new relationship, says Myers. “There are already too many secrets in the divorce process. Your message to your child should be ‘This person makes me happy. If and when you’re ready to meet this person, they would like to meet you, too.'”
Bandera agrees. “With children, it is always important what you say, and how you present the situation. First allow the children to get a feel for this new person. Demonstrations of affection in front of the children may upset or confuse the child, so hold off doing so in the first couple of meetings. And remember: it is just as important to listen–to how they are taking it in and what you say. I always counsel parents to watch how their children respond to what is being said to them.”
“By the time Katie was seven, she had matured enough to realize that Rita’s dates weren’t competing with her for her mother’s affections. When she got to the point where she was actually happy to see me in love, it was great.””Rita also came to recognize that men with experience raising children of their own were more in tune with her daughters’ needs. They would treat her with respect, applauded her maturity, and she appreciated that.”
“On the other hand, men who had never had kids were invariably less empathetic. When Katie was eight, one guy I dated invited her to go out with us to dinner-and then he immediately started criticizing her table matters! She didn’t say a word, but I could see the tears in her eyes.”
That was one of many difficult nights in a series of life lessons for Rita on divorce and dating. She has never regretted, however, the decision she made at the restaurant that night. “We walked out right then and there. I was a parent first and foremost. Whomever I was dating needed to know that.”
Myers points out that the new significant others’ role is not that as a co-parent to the child. “The biological parent is the one who should be making all the decisions on behalf of the child. As the relationship with the significant other deepens over time, it will evolve from that of empathetic support for the parent, to perhaps that of a mentor for the child. But that won’t happen overnight. In fact may take years.”
If the new partner is also a parent, says Myers, he or she may want to take on that role in this new relationship, “but the child’s parent should say thank you, but no thank you. The new significant other’s role in the children’s life is that of an adult friend. Yes, of course, he may care about them, but he should not be filling dad’s shoes.”
Bandera and Myers also agree that the needs of the child should always take precedent over any other relationship. “If there is a joint custody situation, arrange your one-on-one time with your new significant other on the nights in which your ex has custody,” say Myers. “Self balance is very important in everyone’s life. If you make the effort to balance your time with your children and this new relationship, you’re giving your child a wonderful model which they can follow in their own lives.”
INTRODUCING YOUR DATE TO YOUR CHILDREN
For nearly all of us, the desire to share our lives with a loving mate is, eventually, an undeniable need. And while it is difficult making all the pieces of your life fit back together, it can be done. Here’s how:
1. Think of the children first.
They are your first consideration, whether you choose to date, or not.
2. Wait to make that introduction.
There is no rush to introduce your dates to your children. In fact, waiting until the relationship is exclusive is better for your children and therefore better for you, too. When the time is right, choose a neutral locale, and don’t force the relationship on your children. Let them form their own opinions in due time.
3. Communicate openly and consistently.
Fear is rooted in not knowing, and not understanding. To as great an extent as is age appropriate, tell the children what’s going on, and where they stand in the process. They will be much more open to the new person if you allow them to ask questions, and you answer them honestly. They have a right to their opinions, but you have the final decision about the relationship.
4. Balance your time between dating and parenting.
One of children’s greatest fears is that they will be forgotten. Because a new relationship may well heighten their fears, the one-on-one time you spend ensures that they are always the first and foremost priority in your life.
Source: shannonmyers.com
