This time of year, family vacations are at an all-time high. Warmer weather is here and school’s out for summer, which means fun and free time for kids but not necessarily for moms and dads experiencing marital difficulties.
When parents are separated or experiencing marital tension, the pressure to be one big happy family can be daunting. If not yet divorced and co-parenting, participating in family outings can intensify stress for partners in limbo, especially as schedules become more demanding. So how can we provide our children with the love and attention they need this summer, despite conflict?
Create a (realistic) schedule.
When planning summer activities, the old-school method of scrawling notes on a kitchen calendar may not be practical for families in transition or in separate households. To help address these challenges, a wealth of digital tools and apps are available to help parents organize schedules when separated, considering divorce, or co-parenting. Among these are Skedi, Our Family Wizard, 2Houses, and Kidganizer, to name a few. (See also an earlier post on the Wevorce blog for additional co-parenting apps.)
It’s hard enough to keep track of kids these days with all the activities that fill their lives. Toss in the complications of normal everyday life (times two) and it can be chaos for parents living in separate households. The good news is there is plenty of ways to organize separated families and keep the lines of communication open. Often, the use of mobile apps can ease those strained relationships by having calendars, schedules, and notes online.
Don’t over-commit.
If activities leave the family anxious and stressed, it may be wise to cut back. Dr. Alvin Rosenfeld, author of The Over-scheduled Child: Avoiding the Hyper-Parenting Trap, advises parents to “weigh the benefits of participation against the cost time, energy, logistical effort, stress and expense to you, your child and the rest of your family.”
In co-parenting situations, moms and dads vying for their children’s attention (and sometimes even approval) may tend to overcompensate by cramming lots of activities in the schedule, leaving kids prone to stress and burnout. Instead, consider the motivation behind the engagements you’ve chosen for the family. Is it because the activities are enjoyable or are there other hidden reasons that may be generated by your own needs rather than theirs?
It’s not easy to look for ulterior motives in what should be a fun experience for all. It requires parents to have an open mind and a deep commitment to their children. But it is wise, perhaps even necessary, when parents are dealing with the stress and upset of a rocky or ending marriage. It’s all too easy to let feelings of guilt about our marital issues pressure us into overplaying the summer fun in a big way. As parents, you know your children’s capabilities and limits. Just keep a healthy balance in mind, no matter the situation.
Keep it simple.
Summer break doesn’t have to mean non-stop vacations. Especially if divorce is on the horizon, it may be wise to postpone any expensive trips until after the dust settles. This will help cut down on financial pressure and stress, at least while moms and dads are making important decisions about their family’s future. As an alternative, why not consider a staycation or an outing closer to home?
It’s good to also remember that kids are just as prone to burnout as adults. Be sure to also prioritize quiet, quality time, specifically time to talk with your children and opportunities to connect during mealtimes. Scheduling “Daddy-Daughter Days” or “Mommy and Me” outings can also help parents grow closer to children individually during times of marital stress.
Children are often aware when there is ongoing conflict between mom and dad, even if you’ve said nothing to them. If you haven’t “officially” told the children what is going on, summer break may be a perfect time to begin some of those difficult conversations. You can spend quality time with your children and help them to understand what is happening and what to expect in the future.
By providing lots of love, assurance, and presenting a united front from both mom and dad will go a long way to keep your family happy and healthy. Here are some basic rules to help get through the summer in a positive way: never fight in front of the children, never ask them to choose sides or put them in the middle, and never put the other parent down in their presence.
Make communication a priority.
In a household where there is tension, it’s important for parents to show one another respect despite their disagreements. This is easier said than done, however. If you and your spouse are unable to reach peaceful agreements or communicate without hostility, it may be time to consult a licensed marriage therapist. Counseling can shed light on marital issues and help diffuse difficult situations. And don’t forget the children. Kids are amazingly resilient, but some may need counseling from a professional to help them cope.
If it becomes clear that divorce is imminent, Wevorce is here to show you the way. We help you discover your divorce archetype, so you may predict the steps, time, and cost of a new beginning, all while offering guidance and free divorce tools. We invite you to learn more here.
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