Parental Self-Care
“Self-care is not about self-indulgence, it’s about self-preservation.” –Audrey Lorde
As students around the nation return to school, you as a parent might be breathing a sigh of relief. And despite how sharply a guilty conscience might prick you, that’s nothing to feel ashamed of. While we love our children, sometimes summers — jam-packed with family vacations, sports camps, childcare, and back-to-school shopping — can be downright exhausting for moms and dads already trying to do it all.
Let’s face it: much about parenthood — including the need for self-care — also comes with self-doubt and sometimes, guilt. If you’re like most parents, your internal dialogue might look something like this:
Am I too strict or too harsh with my discipline? Or am I being too lenient?
Does it mean I’m a lazy parent if I allow my kids to use electronic devices?
Is it wrong that I want just ten minutes alone in the bathroom without seeing tiny fingers appear under the door or hearing my child bellow, “Mom … MOM?!?”
And most of all, the silent prayer of most parents: Please let my children grow up to be healthy and happy — despite my mistakes.
The list goes on and on.
But what if we instead acknowledged that wanting to be healthy and happy ourselves isn’t wrong? This is a challenge for most parents, as it can be difficult to prioritize our own needs alongside those of our children. But it’s important — for their well-being and ours — that we do so.
Self-Care: What It Is — And What It Isn’t
So what are we referring to when we say “self-care”? The term has become a bit of a buzzword in recent years due to advertisers wanting to capitalize on a very basic human need. But rather than thinking it means treating one’s self to spa trips, purchasing expensive toys, and indulging in each passing whim, true self-care isn’t about pampering or self-indulgence. And it’s certainly not a selfish endeavor. According to Christine Meinecke, Ph.D., in an article for Psychology Today, “self-care means choosing behaviors that balance the effects of emotional and physical stressors.” And this means work.
Self-care entails taking persistent action to maintain one’s own health and well-being. This means fulfilling basic physical needs (getting enough sleep, exercising, and eating healthy foods), addressing spiritual needs, and attending to emotional needs (practicing yoga or meditation, pursuing a creative outlet, and learning how to self-soothe during times of emotional distress rather than looking exclusively to a spouse or romantic partner to calm or comfort us).
Self-Care — Why Is It So Important?
Contrary to what society (and our own guilt) might have us believe, self-care is not a luxury, either; it’s a necessity. And as such, it should also be a priority — especially for moms and dads experiencing a divorce or separation. In fact, psychologists say it’s crucial.
“Sometimes people attempt to meet the needs of family members, employers, children, friends, or society in general before meeting their own needs, and working to please and care for others often interferes with one’s self-care routine and can take a toll on a person’s well-being,” according to GoodTherapy. “However, self-care is often considered to be an important aspect of resiliency: those who are able to adequately meet their needs are often able to better cope with everyday stressors.” (There are few better times in life to learn coping and resiliency than during divorce.)
Failure to care for one’s self over an extended period can even lead to illness or, in more serious cases, hospitalization. And believe it or not, the better we are at taking care of ourselves — both physically, emotionally, and spiritually — the better we’re able to care for others.
“Because people who are able to meet their own physical and emotional needs are typically better equipped to care for others,” the article continues, “it may be especially important for parents of children with behavioral challenges or other special needs to maintain a self-care routine. Fatigue, stress, anxiety, and worry may have a significant effect on well-being, but attending to physical and emotional needs may help prevent or reduce the effects of these issues, foster self-compassion, and leave parents more able to meet the needs of their child.”
As many experts agree, to the extent a parent prioritizes self-care, these efforts will benefit the entire family. In a Psychcentral article, How Clinicians Practice Self-Care: 9 Tips for Readers, Kim Boivin, MEd, says, “We are interdependent so what I do to take care of myself has an impact on all who I interact with. When I care for myself, I care for others better, too.”
In a powerful video, actress, businesswoman, wife, and mother Jada Pinkett-Smith acknowledges parenthood as a paradox, with the experience being simultaneously “extraordinary and challenging,” she says. “You always have to remember to take care of YOU, first and foremost … when you stop taking care of yourself you get out of balance and you really forget how to take care of others.” (Watch the video in its entirety here.)
Self-Care — Where to Begin
Self-care is more often accepted in the feminine context. And while the term may at first glance mean different things to men and women, or to introverts versus extroverts, it is equally important for all humans, regardless of gender or social preferences.
Let’s start with the basics.
First, consider your fundamental physical needs: healthy eating, quality sleep, and exercise. Are you getting enough sleep each night and enough physical activity during the day to give your body the rest and the energy it needs? Or do you rely on a steady supply of coffee, alcohol, and fast food to keep you going? Even if it’s just 30 minutes a day, some type of physical activity is essential for both physical and mental health. And the same principle goes for sleep — make sure you’re not skimping. The National Sleep Foundation recommends adults get seven to nine hours of shuteye each night. (Other sources say some adults may need more.)
Next, give thought to your emotional needs. To what extent do you look to others versus yourself for fulfillment? Do you invest your time and energy in relationships that leave you feeling exhausted or depressed? Are you working at developing an optimistic outlook? Also, how well are you practicing self-compassion? Research says this can be an important factor in bouncing back after a crisis. In one study conducted by Psychological Science, newly divorced people who spoke compassionately about themselves adjusted significantly better in the following ten months than those who spoke more harshly.
And what about your spiritual needs? This component doesn’t necessarily mean spending time at church or otherwise engaging in religious activities. Rather, spiritual self-care also involves deepening one’s sense of purpose and defining one’s values. This may entail volunteering to help those in need or spending time connecting with nature.
It might help to consider implementing a routine that integrates all of these aspects of self-care into one easy-to-access calendar or chart. After all, it can be easy to neglect self-care when experiencing transitions in life, such as a divorce or separation. Even if you’re strapped for time and energy, try to identify what activities bring you joy, and sneak in these opportunities whenever you can. With persistence, you can learn to practice self-care — and your entire family will benefit.
