To get the most benefit for your time and money at marriage counseling, it is helpful to do some self-reflection and preparation before heading to the counselor. When you sit in the counseling chair for the first time, it is really hard to keep your game face on and pretend that everything is fine. It takes time to build trust with a counselor and they know this. Showing your warts does not take away from your best self, it allows you to make friends with yourself as you really are and not just as you think you should be.
If you are really nervous about the first visit, when making your appointment ask the counselor to describe what you can expect at your first appointment. To get the most out of your session, spend some time thinking through answers to the following questions. Consider sharing this list with your spouse so they can also spend some time answering these questions from their perspective. After you both have answered these questions, go grab a cup of coffee or lunch, spend some time identifying what common issues you both see and then decide which issues you’d both like to focus on during your first counseling session.
1. What issues are you having?
This question is to flush out what you logically think is causing the conflict. It is a softball question that allows a safe way to get to know each other’s thoughts and to give you an opportunity to gauge or rationalize emotional reactions. Remember, every story has at least two perspectives, and your spouse will be given equal time to answer this question as well.
2. How you do feel about the issues you are having?
Once the logic and rational storytelling is complete, the counselor is likely to go one step further to explore your emotions and reactions. Expressing how you feel can be harder than it sounds. If you need help framing how you feel about things try identifying three emotions from the Feeling Wheel.
3. What steps are you willing to take to improve things?
As the saying goes, it takes two to tango. No matter how much you think the way you feel is your spouse’s fault, at the end of the day you can only change yourself. You can ask your spouse to make changes, but they still have the right to say yes or no to your request. So dig deep and identify changes you can make.
4. What changes would you like your spouse to make?
Sometimes we forget to communicate to our spouse what action items they could take to improve things instead, we make the mistake of assuming they should know how to fix it. In life we must be able to identify our own needs and ask for what we want or need. Your spouse may not be able to meet your needs, but you have a much better shot at success if you ask. To get started, make a two column list. On one side write the items that you don’t like your spouse doing and then in the second column write the positive side. For example: First column I don’t like my spouse being late to dinner. Second column I like it when he is on time or at least calls to let me know when he’ll be home. Humans are wired for worst case scenarios, so start with the negative side then move to the positive.
As you go through these exercises, remember there are no right answers. Remember to congratulate yourself for taking the time to get to know yourself and your spouse better. Staying curious and opening yourself to learning new coping tools makes for an improved life.
