Is A Gift A “Get Out Of Trouble” Card?
A married friend once joked that if her husband weren’t such a screw-up, she wouldn’t have any nice jewelry. She’s told this joke many times in response to a compliment about something she was wearing, and it never fails to elicit laughs.
Socially, we are taught that gifts are selfless, thoughtful and virtuous expressions of love, friendship or respect. We are also taught that a gift is a get out of trouble card. And the more expensive or rare or sentimental the gift, the more forgiveness it can barter.
People who screw up are taught that gifts can be traded or at least leveraged for forgiveness.
How many women might instinctively soften after a quarrel if their husband or boyfriend brought home a shiny necklace or stylish watch the next day? How many would take the gift without an explicit admission of guilt? And would that be wrong?
The tricky part of this equation is that gifts can be really nice to get. A gift is a tangible object that says, “I was thinking about you. But it doesn’t mean I acknowledge, understand and take responsibility for what I’ve done.”
Another friend presented a scenario that made this point glaringly clear. She walked into a party with the latest Louis Vuitton handbag, a Marc Jacobs design in tribute to Steven Sprouse. I had seen the bold graffiti-print handbag in magazines. I made note of it on her arm because it sells for about $1,200.
When I cocked an eyebrow toward her stylish new accessory, she said that it was a present from her ex-boyfriend. He’s been sending her a parade of gifts ever since they broke up.
They broke up because he tried to beat her up.
“Gifts can be extremely confusing because it’s also consistent with chivalry, and he knows that,” Peter Hovmand, an assistant professor of social work at Washington University in St. Louis. “It’s behavior that’s intended to create confusion.”
He said that gifts can often confuse women about the intent of the giver. Is he a nice guy who had a bad day or is he trying to buy you off so that he can continue that behavior?
Hovmand said that abuse is a learned behavior that is constantly being improved upon. That’s an eerie thought. He said that if a guy gave a girl flowers and she didn’t forgive him before, this time he might opt for a more expensive gift.
If he hit a girl on the first date and she ran away, he might wait a few months the next time, a year the time after or just until after marriage on the next.
Abusive men he’s worked with don’t have problems getting dates. He said that actually, abusive men tend to have an easier time charming a new woman than a nonabuser, perhaps because they are more predatory and persistent.
He said that the stereotype of the anti-social manipulator with the feeble cow-towed spouse isn’t necessarily the norm. Confident, successful women can also be victims. Perhaps because they tend to attract even more confident and successful men. The kind of men that even your friends have a hard time believing would hurt you.
Chris Brown reportedly sent Rihanna a diamond necklace and bracelet and an iPod Touch for her birthday following this year’s highly publicized domestic violence incidence. That was before they reconciled.
My friend with the Louis Vuitton bag told me that I was one of the first people who immediately applauded her decision to take a step back from the relationship after he tried to cause her physical harm. Almost all of her other friends wondered why didn’t she give him another chance.
“Friends don’t often understand how significant domestic violence can be,” explained Ellen Reed, an executive director at Lydia’s House, which provides transitional housing and counseling for battered women in St. Louis.
She said that friends might see a charming, attractive, generous guy, but the woman in the relationship needs to ask herself if she’s afraid of him.
And beware of gift horses.
About the author: By Debra D. Bass © 2009, St. Louis Post-Dispatch. Visit the Post-Dispatch on the World Wide Web at http://www.stltoday.com/
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