Infidelity

For much of the year, we’ve covered the Divorce Archetype profiles on the Wevorce blog. Today we conclude the discussion with perhaps one of the most delicate aspects of the archetypal layers: Infidelity.

The presence of an affair often determines a person’s role in the divorce and their readiness for the changes that lie ahead. Since most divorces have one Initiator and one Reactor, this sets the stage for a power dynamic. The presence of an affair, however, can add a layer of figurative barbed wire around this already tense divorce dynamic. Partners are not only grieving the loss of their marriage but also experiencing the very painful realities of rejection and intense feelings of disloyalty.

Divorce usually comes with the standard (even expected) highs and lows of an emotional roller coaster, but when you add in the shock and pain of betrayal it can cause extra turmoil. And this is definitely the wrong state to be in when making life-altering decisions. Moving a divorce forward from this pain point is what gets people in trouble.

The Path to Recovery

In crisis there are two options: end the marriage, or learn from the crisis. Many marriages survive affairs, they can act as a wake-up call that the relationship is in trouble and an opportunity to create meaningful change. Sadly, the moral stigma of infidelity often removes that choice because couples become locked in a power struggle over right and wrong. But if the shame is removed, or at least given space, the Infidelity dynamic has the highest rate of reconciliation.

There are so many paths to recovery divorce is only one option. Sometimes couples can work through conflict together, and other times they may need to separate in order to heal. But, if the affair was such an extreme violation to one partner’s value system that they cannot see any alternatives to save the marriage, then the best recovery can be divorce. Even then, by removing the shame it will facilitate the growth process between the affair and recovery. It can empower the couple to make sound and reasonable choices instead of defaulting to reactive solutions allowing them to end their marriage with honor.

Infidelity: The Relationship Breakdown

When a spouse feels betrayed by a spouse’s affair, this can feel devastating. Typically, there are two types of reactions: an explosive emotional reaction which usually requires time to cool off; or a cool, collected response while beneath the façade lays an underlying pain that is boiling hot. Either way, this can lock a person into a passive aggressive, looking for payback mode, causing them to drag out the divorce and unravel agreements.

The spousal support conversation can be especially difficult for a household’s sole income earner who feels betrayed by a partner’s affair. They’re still financially tied to someone who has broken their heart and now they’re being asked to write that person a regular check.

However, infidelity doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Often, each partner plays a role. It has long been recognized by psychology and divorce professionals that an affair indicates deeper problems in the relationship. Infidelity may be the catalyst for divorce but it isn’t the cause. It’s merely a symptom of a larger problem and the result of a series of relationship breakdowns.

For instance, even though one partner may have committed the transgression, they can also feel deeply betrayed by their spouse’s ongoing neglect of emotional needs, or their expectations not being met. Oftentimes, a partner who has committed infidelity is often the more passive partner and their warning signals have gone unnoticed, contributing to the affair crisis.

Infidelity: The Stigma and the Reality

In a marriage where infidelity has occurred, both partners often come to the table carrying the chains of cultural stigma and moral wrongdoing. Because of an often black-and-white interpretation, affairs tend to polarize friends, family, and sometimes the legal system, around the shame of the capital letter A. The problem is, this “normalized” prescription of shame kills many marriages. If cheating is commonly considered a morality benchmark in our culture, then the facts show we’re in deep trouble. Fortunately, the reasons for infidelity are a bit more complex than moral fortitude.

Still, too often, infidelity is treated as the sign of an unhappy relationship or even a moral defect. The reality is, there is no right or wrong to this issue. Instead, we need to think of affairs as relationship wake up calls. Mistakes aren’t absolutes either; they present a fork in the road where we can choose how to recover. But it becomes a problem when our cultural institutions cast a black and white picture that leaves no room for growth and recovery. Growth occurs in that place in-between the stumble, mistake, and the recovery. A label of right and wrong is merely an interpretation of an event through the lens of belief, and divorce professionals have a responsibility to help remove the morality stigma as they help divorcing spouses navigate the complexity behind affairs.

Guilt’s Short Shelf Life

If someone feels betrayed, they may also be tangled in inner emotional conflict. They may dig themselves into a pit of victimhood with mantras like, “How could they do this to me?” or “It’s not fair.” As a culture (and even in the courtroom) we validate that victim role through the fault-and-blame game, doling out advice like, “You’ve been wronged and deserve to get what’s owed to you,” and enacting revenge by manipulating the settlement.

But this can complicate the settlement process. Emotional pain is not a legal problem and the law can’t fix it, so whatever temporary relief revenge brings becomes a false positive.

Sustainable settlements are based on logic and facts that will hold up after the emotional storm has passed, not just compromises from fatigue and guilt. The goal should be to catch the cycle of shame before it gets signed, sealed and delivered into your future.

If you find you or your partner saying, “It just feels fair” or “I just wanna get it done,” it’s time to take a step back. Settlements based on guilt expire quickly, and infidelity creates a breeding ground for guilt, making it impossible to process information and resolve conflict fairly. Quick settlements become bandages that merely cover the wound as it festers, and once the pain wears off, you may be left with unbalanced agreements. Remember: if you are unable to logically explain why the numbers are uneven, then there is an emotional reason behind the decision.

Breaking the Cycle

We’ve spun a cocoon around absolutes of right and wrong, but relationships are too complex for that framework. Instead, it may help to reframe guilt and discuss topics that help to gently rebalance the heavy weight of it. After all, it takes two partners to build the kind of relationship where you can show up as you are with all your weaknesses and vulnerabilities.

If one partner is using resources to fill the emotional pain of a broken promise, it’s essential to remove the shame to reach a truly equitable settlement. Don’t live in blame and guilt thinking “I did wrong, it’s my fault.” Instead, exchange right and wrong for the acknowledgment something was missing in the relationship and this is an opportunity to reset the patterns. Both parties play an active role in betrayal and ignoring that truth leads to more pain in the long run, causing us to attract the same relationship patterns to fill the wound.

Amicable divorce provides the opportunity to uncouple with dignity and honor. But there’s no denying the path to this goal can be riddled with obstacles, especially when spouses are mired in emotions that take time and distance to heal. To begin that process, we can create space for forgiveness without having to prove right from wrong.