On the list of difficult conversations, starting the “I want a divorce” conversation tops the list. Well, technically, on the most stressful life events list, it is second only to the death of a spouse. If your spouse won’t even discuss this issue with you, the difficulty is magnified. Here are four tips for starting and navigating this dialogue with a reluctant partner.

1. Ease into it.

The topic of divorce deserves more than one conversation. Unfortunately, by the time most people are ready to talk about divorce, their discomfort and dissatisfaction are so high that the tendency is to want to rip the Band-Aid off and get it over with. Resist that urge because taking your time to work together through your dissolution is well worth sweating out the discomfort you may feel. Even if you choose the quick get-away, you will find out the discomfort you sought to avoid doesn’t magically go away. There are lots of details to discuss when a family transitions from one household into two — legal, financial and emotional — and there are no right or wrong answers when it comes to divorce. Compassion, active listening, and respecting each other are the keys to a healthy and timely transition. It’s time to engage the assistance of a counselor if you haven’t already done so. If you are really ready for divorce, time with a counselor will not change this fact, but it will give you both tools on how to manage the life changes that come with divorce.

2. Identify how your spouse communicates while in stress.

We all have comfort patterns we use to get us through times of uncertainty and stress. Think of how your spouse tends to deal with stress in general: do they talk more, get quiet, run away, yell or cry? Our stress-coping methods generally stay the same throughout life, even when the storylines change. So how your spouse reacts when they are stressed at work or with a friend is a good indicator of how they may react to the topic of divorce. Just like our stress reactions are predictable, so are the things that make us feel better: talking to friends on the phone, quiet time, writing, going for a run. Opposites tend to attract, so if you like to talk things out, be mindful that your spouse may need solitude and quiet to process before diving into the divorce conversation. Give your spouse the space and time to go through their own stress-relieving pattern — do not force your coping style on them.

3. Name your optimum outcome.

Before beginning the conversation with your spouse, spend some time identifying your optimum outcome. If you need some prompts, answer these questions: How do I want this conversation to go? Will I consider this conversation a success if the following (X, Y and Z) occurs? How do I want our divorce process to go? What are my biggest fears? Once you’ve spend some time answering these questions, start to create a road map to these outcomes. You know your spouse best. If you want a quick, amicable, child-centered divorce, start identifying actions you can take to ensure that you maximize this outcome. Remember you can only control yourself and your own reactions, but being clear with your intentions will increase the likelihood of success.

4. Establish boundaries.

Flight attendants give life-saving advice when they tell us, “In case of emergency, put your own oxygen mask on first before assisting others.” This same advice applies here, take care of yourself first. Know what your needs are and protect them. Guilt is part of the process, so expect to feel it, but do not change your boundaries out of guilt. You cannot save someone from their pain. It is their personal journey to take, not yours. Clearly articulating your boundaries comes from a place of compassion for yourself and for others. Once you have established what they are, ask your spouse what their boundaries are so you can respect them in turn. Establishing and understanding each other’s boundaries is the first step to creating the lives you are both are meant to live.