As America celebrated our Independence last week, it seems appropriate to talk about autonomy and independence after divorce. After spending years sometimes decades connected with our spouse, sharing dreams, raising children, and creating a happy, healthy family together, life after separation or divorce can seem unclear, uncertain, and frightening.
As divorce approaches, you are likely overwhelmed with thoughts as you take those dreaded first steps. Questions bombard your brain, most having no answers at this point. But you’ve made the hard decision and know in your heart it is for the best for both yourself and for your family even if the future remains a distant, cloudy vision.
To help you find the happily even after in your new single life, here are a few insights that might prove helpful as you begin your journey toward that goal.
Happily ever after fairytale or fact?
Happily ever after is a notion that has its roots as far back as the 16th century, where Venetian fairy tales were spun as an escape for the oppressed and downtrodden. Yet, today, though very different from life in the 1500s, we amazingly hold to the ideal of living happily ever after with our chosen soulmates.
So, does happily ever after even exist? There is such a thing as a successful, long-term marriage. We all know couples who exemplify that model. But if you dig deeper, you find two people who have built a life together, not based on fairytale expectations but on a strong foundation of love, respect and realistic beliefs which helps them to face conflict, life’s problems, and the good and bad that come with every relationship. They have worked hard to keep an enduring love present.
Why we must let go of the fairytale.
In our work here at Wevorce, we often find couples clinging to the happily ever after story when it comes to marriage. The harder they hold onto this notion, the harder it is to let go. They want to believe that marriage is supposed to last forever, and when it doesn’t, they often equate its dissolution as a failure. But this is not the case.
In a culture where the rate of divorce tips over 50 percent and only three in ten couples remain in healthy, happy relationships, this story no longer holds up to today’s reality. The idea of living happily ever after began in the 1500s as a fairytale, so why do we cling so desperately to this inherited marriage story without question? Why do we spend so much effort and money on falling in love and committing to each other till death do us part, when reality presents the facts clearly half of all marriages will end in divorce?
The premise of happily ever after is a false positive, yet our expectations in marriage are based on this myth, a fictionalized parable that is practically impossible to achieve. Sadly, it is a relationship model that lacks realism when two people individuals with unique beliefs, values, and expectations are building a life together. Perhaps it is time to start believing in something a little less archaic and create a new paradigm tempered to the 21st century. This paradigm can be realistically based on the fact we are living longer, people change, and a life-time commitment is becoming harder as our lives become more complex.
Is marriage outdated?
Does this mean marriage is an outdated institution? Not necessarily. The wedding industry is booming. People seem to still crave the ring, the dress, and the honeymoon some, a second or third time around. In fact, during recent research-based conversations with divorcees, Wevorce found that the majority of participants still believed in the fairy tale, even when they had been married multiple times.
But maybe it’s time for a change in how we think about relationships and marriage. Even the constitution, as it was written, may not always pertain to today’s modern America and how we live. Maybe it’s time for an amendment or two on the age-old institution of love.
Instead of approaching the end of a marriage with adversarial emotions prompted by an outdated legal system that promotes such attitudes we should learn to accept change within our hearts as we do other changes in life’s journey. Wouldn’t it be better for our children to move forward with grace and honesty, instead of with hate and anger? Shouldn’t we be positive, healthy role models for them rather than pass on and perpetuate relationship models that don’t work?
Is it possible to accept that, in some cases, “till death do us part” is an unreasonable expectation? Even when we find our soulmate, that person may change in time, and so will we. Change is perfectly normal. It’s healthy. Few things in our universe are constant and remain forever. So when we come to the realization that our marriage has changed, maybe we should try not to get so dang angry. Instead, let’s get smart and begin important conversations long before big changes happen and catch us off guard. So why not have a contingency plan in place for if and when your marriage undergoes rough times? Yes, think ahead. If it never happens, great. If it does, you’re prepared.
Seeing the truth isn’t easy.
Sometimes, self-reflection is a bitch. To find the courage to look hard at yourself, your relationship, and see the truth, well it’s not easy. But the reality is that marriage takes two and divorce is no different. If you really dig deep and uncover the bones to your relationship, you may see it didn’t get to the place it is without both of you contributing to its demise.
Honest communication may be the hardest thing to achieve in a relationship, maybe even in life. It can be heartbreaking and excruciatingly painful, whether you’re the one doing the listening or the talking. To face the loss of your dreams and expectations of love will propel you through the grieving process like a bull in a china shop.
This honesty can involve near constant emotional collisions it may feel like you are running over each other with out-of-control feelings and smashing down bridges of trust. During this time, it can be tempting to give in to the bitterness of broken promises. But we believe there is a better way: stand tall, tell the truth, and be open to hearing all the bad stuff the hard, ugly fact that you’ve both contributed to this relationship’s successes and its failures.
Be gentle with yourself and with your partner, but don’t fool yourself into thinking you’ve done nothing wrong and don’t deserve to experience what’s happening it’s a rarity that only one person is totally at fault.
Revenge isn’t sweet, it’s dangerous.
When facing the pain of divorce, you may begin to wish for revenge. Bitterness often makes a person long to get even for the hurt caused by his or her partner’s unkind, selfish actions. Even when these actions result in the shattering of your beautiful world and the unhinging of your loving family unit, anger and bitterness isn’t the answer.
The harsh reality is, this isn’t a Bruce Willis movie and there will be no cheering at the end when the bad guys are vanquished. The person you perceive as the “bad guy” was the man/woman you once loved and cherished. They are the father or mother of your children, and the person you will need to continue to have a working relationship with as a co-parent to those children you created together.
Just remember: when temptation presents itself in a weakened state of mind; hate and revenge solves nothing. In fact, allowing destructive emotions to rule will do more harm than you realize in that short-lived, indulgent moment. Perhaps revenge will feel good, so good it feels right and justified. But hatred and revenge can have the same effect on the body and mind as any other destructive addiction; plus, that high will not last and you will come crashing down into a mess and very real consequences of your own making.
Making decisions in the heat of the moment may affect your future and only complicate matters. Having a cool mind and level head is the only way to face life-altering decisions. Only sound reason will build a firm foundation for you and your family, not emotional upheaval fueled by pain and anger.
There are no guarantees in life.
Despite knowing this, we persist in promising each other that our love will last till death do us part. Is that practical? Is it possible? Yes, there are couples who have managed to stay together for 50 years and more, but times have changed immensely since those couples said their vows. And, times will likely change even more in the next 50.
Will we see less and less of this type of marital longevity in the future as our younger generations face life’s many challenges? Or will marriage endure the sands of change and grow stronger in the face of the world’s stresses? Will our faith in that which we cannot know to be certain grow stronger rather than weaker?
Maybe all we can hope for is to do the best we can. If it means getting a divorce, then do it the right way, a way in which your family will benefit the most. By taking control of your divorce, you are taking control of your future and ensuring all you love and once loved will be safe and healthy.
This is what it means to strive for happily even after. No need for fairytales.
