(As told from the perspective of a family lawyer who had her heart broken and from that started her own business helping people to separate in a ‘better’ way, trust me — I’ve seen and felt it all!)

I have been pondering the ‘happily ever after’ thing a lot lately. Given that my job entails seeing a lot of people who are breaking up, it is no wonder that I find myself questioning it.

I am also single, have endured the breakdown of my own significant relationship (and survived to tell the tale). While I know a lot of people who are happily (and unhappily) married, I also know a lot of single people who are all in search of the one. Well, lately I have all but given up on there being a one for me. I think it is more realistic to think that maybe we should just become the one for ourselves first, give up the expectation that there must a one in the first place, and then we can enjoy whatever relationships we do have for what they are — take the opportunity to appreciate and learn more about ourselves and another person.

So, how do we do this? By understanding the difference between the head and the heart.

Most relationships have an initial honeymoon/lust phase which is great, blissful in fact, but the main issue with it is if the people in a relationship expect that this feeling is going to last. Then when that feeling does die down, the relationship is over. This doesn’t have to happen. I say enjoy the honeymoon/lust phase, but don’t invest the whole relationship on it — enjoy it for what it is (often an artificial inflation similar to a euphoric high) and then make sure you have your relationship values clearly sorted to back you up when reality sets in.

Why, you ask? Because life is tough, relationships are tough and marriage is even tougher. I say this because I have seen it with my clients, friends, family and I have also experienced it for myself. If anything, I think life is easier on one’s own, but it is also far less fulfilling. Our lives only have the meaning which we attach to them, and relationships (of any sort) are a chance to simply add more meaning. And, if we choose, having kids is another extension of adding meaning to our lives.

Some of my most meaningful relationships are with close friends; often because they are based on shared values of love, respect and honesty, and also because we have similar interests. And, while some friendships do fade away, statistically it is far more likely that your whole world will be affected (emotionally and financially) by a marriage/intimate relationship break down in your life, and that you will need to work hard to pick up the pieces again.

So, if we can make friendships work, then why can’t we make relationships work?

I think it simply comes down to that word work — it does, in actual fact, take considerable effort to make a relationship work. And, quite simply, a lot of us are just not prepared to put in the required effort it takes. Sure, it shouldn’t be too hard, but it shouldn’t just be easy either; otherwise, why are you there? The whole point of a relationship is to learn about ourselves and grow, whilst loving and caring for another human being at the same time (finding the balance here can be hard, I know that!) But I think if more people simply took the me out of relationships, then we would be a bit closer to making them easier, as opposed to hard work.

Hey, I am going to give this theory a go myself in my next relationship. I’ll report back then!