Recently, on the Wevorce blog, we opened up a conversation about Divorce Archetype™ profiles and offered a preview of groundbreaking research we’ve compiled over recent years. This post continues our series: Divorce Archetype Profiles Uncovered. Today, we explore the Happily Even After and Solo profiles in greater detail.
Profile: Happily Even After
What does it mean if you fall into the Happily Even After profile? You will most likely want to work together with your spouse to keep your divorce amicable. Despite your crumbling marriage, you will work hard to keep the stress and impact on your family to a minimum, because deep down, you want what is best for them.
There may be times when emotional issues will battle financial issues. This can be confusing. Don’t let the minutiae of the agreement snowball into countless legal battles. To reach common goals, work with your spouse, not against them. It can be helpful to name your optimal outcome in the very beginning. This will act as a compass to guide you toward settlement.
Approaching divorce with a positive outlook and knowing without a doubt there is life after divorce, will be a great advantage to achieving Happily Even After. It may not make the journey easy, but it will certainly provide a basis for a healthy start in new your life.
Profile: Solo
There will be those couples who can’t agree on whether or not to get a divorce, or the terms of a divorce. This may mean you will be forced to move forward solo. It could be that you are already living separate, may not be speaking to each other, or you may not even know where your spouse is. Your situation may mean you will have to file the divorce paperwork on your own.
In extreme cases, you may be left solo when domestic violence or substance abuse issues are involved. If so, it is best you seek the help of a divorce professional to keep you and your children safe from potential physical and emotional harm.
Mental health challenges by one or both spouses can influence the decision to divorce. Issues like depression, narcissism, co-dependency and other related behaviors can cause the direct breakdown of a relationship. Common personality disorders that can be exacerbated by divorce and its conflict are:
- Borderline Personality Disorder
- Narcissistic Personality Disorder
- Antisocial Personality Disorder
- Histrionic Personality Disorder
Recognizing personality disorders can be tricky; a person oftentimes appears completely normal, showing few obvious signals until triggered by trauma. When dealing with personality disorders whether your own or your spouse’s you will need help navigating the complexities that will arise during high conflict divorce or separation. If you retain an attorney, make sure they are experienced in such cases.
It is always a good idea to consult with a professional to help assist in the healing process. Especially, if you have been in a relationship where it was commonplace to deal with a spouse’s emotional or physical abuse, and/or other confusing or debilitating behaviors due to their personality disorder, as you may be unaware of the influence such behavior has had over you.
Divorce in the Military
While the process for getting a divorce while one or both are active members of the military is basically the same as it is for civilians, it has an added layer of federal and state statutes you’ll need to know about and understand. And often, it can feel like a solo endeavor and can get complicated.
The Servicemembers Civil Relief Act (SCRA) protects military personnel from lawsuits, including divorce proceedings, so they can “devote their entire energy to the defense needs of the Nation.” This may delay proceedings accordingly, depending on if your spouse is on active duty in a remote area, permanently stationed overseas, or deployed during a time of war.
If this is your situation, it may be helpful to read the Uniformed Services Former Spouses’ Protection Act (USFSPA), a federal statute that guides the military to accept state statutes when addressing issues such as child support, spousal support and military retirement pay/pension. States often have residential requirements when filing for a divorce, but may be relaxed for active duty personnel stationed in that state. Where you file is important and should be considered before filing.
Things like a Thrift Savings Plan, Survivor Benefit Plan, ID cards, medical care, and base housing, are all going to be affected by divorce. You can read more about Divorce in the Military here.
Change is certain.
Whether you are working with your spouse or going it solo, you can survive the pain of divorce. There is definitely a beginning, middle, and end to the process. Don’t be afraid to seek professional help if needed along the way. But the one thing you can do for yourself is leave false expectations behind and make more realistic ones for the future. Benjamin Franklin said, “In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.” But, there is one more certainty: change. And you will get through it.
Divorce Archetype profiles in review
Initiator vs Reactor (Influencers)
Every divorce will have an Initiator (one who has reached their breaking point) and Reactor (one who isn’t ready to face it). The only variant may be when an additional archetypal layer is added by an affair, during which delicate emotions may seem to be wrapped in barbed wire.
Dependents
The Dependent profile is rather self-explanatory; if you had children, or adopted children during your marriage and they are still legally in your care, you fall under this profile.
