Grief to Gratitude
November is National Gratitude Month, and Thanksgiving is just around the corner. If you spend much time on social media, you’ve likely seen posts detailing what others are thankful for. But when someone is going through a divorce or grieving the end of a relationship, thinking about gratitude may seem impossible, even laughable.
On the Wevorce blog, we often talk about the struggles of divorce and how to cope, specifically addressing such topics as self-care, forgiveness, and letting go. But we’ll be honest — it’s always a tricky subject. Many of Wevorce’s own have personally experienced divorce, and the last thing we want is to come across as patronizing or dismissive of the pain people go through when a marriage ends. In fact, we hope it gives us perspective and empathy having been there ourselves.
But for this month’s topic of gratitude, we wanted to hear from you, our readers, about your personal stories. So, earlier this month, we decided to put out the call to our online community: How have you found JOY, FAITH, and HOPE — despite the challenges of divorce?
In keeping with the spirit of thankfulness, we appreciate all the heartfelt submissions we received. We understand the idea of showing thankfulness during such a time is difficult, and sharing with others can be even harder. But you opened up your hearts to us and showed that gratitude is possible — even when it seems like your life is unraveling. We have been greatly moved by the candid accounts received thus far and invite you to read on to be inspired by a few of our favorite stories of joy and gratitude.
“I was suffering with anxiety and depression when my marriage ended — my version of rock-bottom — with two little kiddies to think about, also. I reached out to a friend and told her the news via text. She was a new friend, but I felt I had to tell her. When she replied to me, “Start practicing gratitude,” I almost felt like slapping her in the face. What on earth did I have to be grateful for? My marriage was ending and so was the vision I had for our family. I didn’t recognize the woman I saw in the mirror.
I had no idea where to even start. While it sounded absurd at the time, I felt that I had asked this friend for a reason. So why not give gratitude a try? I had nothing to lose. I started writing three things I was grateful for each morning and evening. Taking on this practice changed my life and made my healing process happen a lot easier also. I have embraced gratitude every day for the last four and a half years and never looked back. Anytime I am feeling down or angry, I journal about 50 things I am grateful for.”
– Renee Catt, Divorce Go To Girl
And Catt has gotten it right — even if it feels forced, thinking (and writing) about what you’re grateful for can actually help rewire the brain. In Thanks! How Practicing Gratitude Can Make You Happier, author Robert A. Emmons, Ph.D. cites findings backed by science that make a strong case for grateful thinking: specifically, doing so regularly can increase happiness up to 25 percent, and keeping a gratitude journal results in a number of benefits — including better sleep and more energy — within a period of just three weeks.
For many experiencing divorce, remembering the good things that remain in life can help one find joy despite a difficult situation. Many who have been through a divorce describe their children as a reason for joy even during hard times.
“My divorce was the worst thing that ever happened to me. I felt robbed in so many ways; of my family, my plans, my heart…myself. Who was I without this person? I felt lost and scared and looking back, those were some of the darkest days of my life. I was engulfed in blackness. But for my daughter, I knew I needed to move forward. And eventually, that forward momentum became for myself. I went back to work. I made new friends. I started dancing. I started a book club. Through the new, I found small slivers of light — reasons to be happy and joyful again.
As I continued to cultivate joy, it began to permeate all the areas of my life. It took some time, but I eventually found my way back to me again. And it was an even more joyful me because this time, I designed it all myself. And that was something to be proud of. I had gained self-worth, self-esteem, and was setting an example of strength for my daughter. And now, three years later, I have never felt happier, or more available to give and receive all the love I thought I had lost.” ;
– Elizabeth*, divorced for two and a half years
In another submission we received, one woman shared how she found joy: by creating a support system that helped her confront grief head-on.
“For a while, the idea of experiencing joy after my divorce felt unimaginable. The months leading up to it — with all the arguing, finger pointing, and judgment from friends and family — were incredibly painful. I knew I was making the right decision for both of us, but most people in my life at that time were hell-bent on making me pay for leaving my marriage. The only way I got through it was with help from a support system, comprised of new friends (and some old) who had experienced what I was going through. But that meant ditching the “perfect wife” trope and speaking openly about my struggles — something I wasn’t used to doing.
When I began seeing a therapist, I realized honesty and vulnerability (in a safe space) were my first steps toward healing. And on days when I couldn’t see up from down, I learned to sit with my grief, knowing it was a rain cloud that would eventually pass. Slowly, I began to find new ways to be happy — road trips, enrolling in classes, decorating on my terms… even dating again. Nearly six years later, I’m thankful to my support system for helping me create a life that is authentic, rich with possibility, and filled with joy.”
– Karen*, divorced for five years
Finding joy during and after divorce isn’t easy. But as the above divorcees can attest, it is possible. We’d like to thank these ladies for sharing with us and with you. We are looking forward with joy in our hearts to our next segment, finding faith despite divorce.
*some names have been changed
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If you have been through or are going through a divorce, how have you gone from experiencing grief to gratitude? We invite you to tell us how you have found FAITH or HOPE despite the challenges of uncoupling and/or co-parenting. In the coming weeks, we’ll be sharing additional submissions from our community via the Wevorce blog. Find more information, including submission guidelines, here.
