During divorce, it’s so easy to turn everything into a battle by always trying to prove your point and making the other person look bad. There is another option rather than a divorce and co-parenting path paved with landmines, constant battles, resulting in damaged children and parents, you can choose a path lined with compassion, understanding, clarity, guidance, support and even love.
People naturally feel lonely at this time. But you are not alone. Others, including me, have been down this path. Although it may seem impossible at the moment, you can get through this time in your life and come out the other side with a vision of a new, healthy life for you and your children.
Some people are so hurt and in so much pain that they cannot see clearly. So instead of putting aside their emotional angst, they allow it to drive their divorce process. When this occurs, it can feel like you’ve entered a battlefield and that no one will come out alive. Often the kids get stuck in the middle.
As long as each parent remains attached to their belief that they are right and the other parent is wrong, the emotional marriage never really ends. When one parent remains entrenched in conflict, they stay emotionally engaged with the other person. Ironically, conflict becomes the way parents maintain connection post-divorce. Instead of moving on in their lives, the couple’s post-divorce disagreements mirror the ones they had during their marriage.
The battles can continue for years after the divorce papers are finalized as parents end up back in court again and again. This costs them thousands of dollars in legal fees and, of course, more emotional distress. When parents spend their energy embroiled in battle, they lack the energy to move on in their lives, explore new relationships, or focus on their children.
Remaining entrenched in battles also makes it extremely difficult and uncomfortable to attend your children’s events together such as parent-teacher conferences, extra-curricular activities, etc. Think about this for a minute: Do you want to spend the rest of your life worrying about whether your former spouse is going to show up at your child’s soccer game? And if they do show up, are you concerned with where you will sit, whether you will talk to them? The list is endless. Or do you want to be free from this gut-wrenching and unending angst?
I am hoping that you are reading this because you sense that there’s a kinder, gentler way kinder and gentler to yourself, your ex-spouse or partner, and your kids and that you want to choose the path less-traveled.
When you are able to approach your divorce from a place of love and mutual care, rather than fear, you are more likely to reach agreements that ensure everyone’s well-being. On the other hand, if you approach your divorce from a place of fear (in which you try to get all you can or give as little as you can), you are more likely to reach agreements or experience outcomes imposed upon you that do not seem fair and that, in fact, create long-term resentments and disparities. If one parent is thriving after the divorce and the other parent is struggling to make ends meet, the battle continues for years and years.
Right now you may feel hopeless and think that there is nothing you can do to impact your divorce process. But, in fact, small choices made along the way can make a big impact down the road. To use a metaphor, if a ship is headed toward Africa from the U.S., and if you change the course of this ship by only one degree as it travels across the Atlantic Ocean, this ship could end up in Asia.
The same thing goes for you. If you make a one-degree shift and sustain that shift through your divorce, you and your children could end up at an entirely different and better place. Goodwill and trust are possible when you choose your battles wisely.
