Real Life Story Of Divorce And Recovery
THE O’DONNELL FILE:
Name: Tammy O’Donnell
Birthdate: September 3, 1973
Born/raised: Greenville, Ohio
Family: Dad, Mom, 2 brothers and 1 sister
How long married: 9 years
When divorced: October 2002
Remarried: Yes
Lives: New Madison, Ohio
Work: Bank teller
Hobbies: Spending time with family and friends, playing games, watching movies, reading.
Goals: Being a better mom, wife, and Christian.
Dreams: Having a baby with my current husband.
Best characteristic: My personality
Worst habit: Eating too much
Tammy O’Donnell’s tips for coping during the first year after divorce:
1. Have faith that you will make it through this tough time.
2. Know that there is something better out there for you, even if it doesn’t seem like it now.
3. Stay strong and remember who you are and what you believe.
4. Focus on the bigger picture for you and your children’s mental and physical health.
5. Surround yourself with people you love and who love you.
MONTHLY PROFILE: A Q&A WITH TAMMY O’DONNELL:
Q. What were your initial thoughts/emotions when you realized you were getting a divorce?
A. Complete devastation, wondering why it was happening to me. Honestly, there were so many emotions that I was dealing with that I wanted to curl up into a ball and not face it. With having a child that isn’t an option.
Q. What is the most challenging part of enduring the first year after divorce?
A. First I faced living on my own. I got married right out of high school, so I had never been alone. Loneliness was a big factor. Also, I had been a stay-at-home mom with my son for seven years since he was born. When we got a divorce his dad and I had shared parenting so he was gone a week at a time. That was extremely difficult for me; still not always easy, but it is easier. I had to surround myself with family and friends and try to keep my mind off of it. Money was a challenge for me, too. I found two part-time jobs to help pay bills. I got two part-time jobs so I could still be home with my son when he was so that not much changed for him. Keeping my head above water was almost impossible, sometimes was.
Q. What other life factors complicate your healing process and how do you cope with those?
A. Anger, jealousy, and self-pity are a few, but there are so many factors that affect your life when you are going through a divorce. I had anger and self-pity for feeling like a failure and for feeling wronged in the marriage and the divorce. There was jealousy for the new woman that came into my ex-husband’s life almost immediately after I was gone. Anger and jealousy could have gotten the best of me, but I prayed a lot about it. I had a lot of lonely nights that I would cry out wondering why I was feeling the way that I was. They were the worst feelings in the world; I hated it. I have never been a person who holds a grudge. So I struggled with these feelings. Then I came to a point of peace in my life after feeling completely sick about this. I knew that being mad and hating someone that I didn’t even know wasn’t who I was and wasn’t who I wanted to be. If I ever wanted to be happy in my life, I had to get rid of the anger and hatred. I went to my ex-husband and told him that I forgave him and that I didn’t hate either of them.
Q. What is your state of mind today compared to the day you divorced?
A. Unbelievably better, I say that because you think that you never will be better. I am going to be careful not to say that I am completely healed because I think it takes a long time – especially when you have children and you have to continue to see and communicate with that person. I believe the easiest thing to help your state of mind is to be forgiving, to do your best to let go of all the hurt that you have and focus on working positively together on your children for their state of mind, allowing their lives to be as normal as possible.
Q. Who or what do you turn to, to heal?
A. Well, that is the awesome part. I was raised in a Christian home. When I got married I stopped going to church, for no particular reason other than the fact that my ex-husband didn’t go. I now believe that I have gone through this in my life to bring me back to God because now I rarely miss church and I rely on God for everything. I can remember asking God a lot in the beginning why He would ever put my family, especially my son, through this. Yeah, funny – all of a sudden praying and pleading with God to save my marriage when I didn’t bother to involve Him in any other part of my marriage. I don’t know why I expected Him to do anything. I do know for a fact that God has helped me through this horrific experience. I know that He was by my side every lonely night that I spent wondering if I would ever feel better about myself or meet someone who would want a woman with a child that possibly couldn’t have any more children. My mom has also been positive in my life and through the divorce, always lending an ear, helping me in any way she can.
Q. What hurt the most during the first year after your divorce?
A. Missing my son. Going from being with him every day 24/7 to not being with him a week at a time was difficult. The most important thing I found to do in that situation was to surround myself with people who I love and care about and occupy my time the best way that I could.
Q. What are some of the biggest hurts you’re experiencing?
A. My biggest hurt in the divorce and marriage that still somewhat affects me presently, and is something that I am trying to work hard on, is the fact that one year before my divorce my ex-husband told me he was happy in our marriage and he didn’t want any more kids. I thought about that for a long time; ultimately I decided that I was happy, too, and I went ahead with having a tubal ligation done. One year later he was no longer happy and didn’t want to be married. The reason that I still struggle with this is that he is remarried and now has two children with her. I cannot have a child with my husband without having another expensive procedure done. That is something I pray about a lot to not be angry or jealous about. I would love to be able to give my husband a child. I have just had to come to the realization that if it is meant to happen it will and I will be patient and wait.
Q. What is the most difficult part of your experience?
A.Seeing what this has done to my son. He has struggled a lot, with having to go back and forth between his dad and me. With both of his parents remarrying he has some difficulty with this, too. The most important thing in all of this is the kids. Getting along, communicating for them and making things as normal for them as possible so they can live life. In all reality, this is for our own good too, for good mental and physical health. Our pride is less important.
Q. What surprises you about your inner resolve in the face of this crisis?
A. I am more spiritual, I am a stronger and better person for having gone through what I have gone through. The small stuff isn’t as important as it used to be. Being right isn’t as important. I strive every day to be the best wife to my husband that I can and not make something big out of something small.
Q. How are you focusing on healing despite all that pain, especially when you had a child to care for, lawyers to deal with and other life circumstances to settle?
A.Not dwelling on it. Don’t put yourself in lonely situations to sit and think about everything. If you can’t find a family member or friend to spend time with, then rent a movie, read a book or find a hobby — something, anything that you are good at and you enjoy to do. I feel compelled to help other people who are going through this that I might make it a little bit easier for them. At least be there for them to listen or to take their minds off of whatever is bothering them.
Q. What is your attitude about your future, and possible remarriage, after going through a divorce?
A.I am excited about my future. I am remarried to a wonderful man who loves me for who I am. It is the most wonderful feeling in the world to see him across a room and when our eyes meet now just by looking at him that he is happy and that he wants to be with me. I never had that before. I believe that part of God’s plan for my life was to bring him in my life after my divorce. There really can be a wonderfully blessed life after divorce.
Q. What would you like to add that we did not cover?
A.Keep yourself healthy mentally and physically. I know that is easier said than done sometimes, but believe me, I am living proof what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. There is something that my mom told while I was going through my divorce and I believe that it true. She said, “If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.”
