When our daughter was about 6 months old, my then-husband asked me why I went to the weekly Attachment Parenting meetings in our neighborhood. “Are we attachment parents?” he wanted to know. It was a fair question. But I was fuzzy on the answer.
On the one hand, we followed most of the Attachment Parenting tenets: We slept with our daughter in the family bed, used cloth diapers, wore her in a sling, were advocates of extended breastfeeding, and never let her “cry it out.” On the other hand, I had never read Dr. Sears’ Attachment Parenting book and many of our parenting practices were done out of necessity rather than adherence to a particular parenting philosophy. For instance, we lived in a tiny one-bedroom apartment, so our options for “baby’s bed” included our bed, the dog’s bed and a well-padded bathtub. And then there was the real reason I went to those meetings They were within walking distance and I was desperate for adult conversation, even if that conversation revolved around things like chapped nipples and baby eczema.
Flash forward 12 years. Those babies are on the cusp of young adulthood and, even though we’ve spread out to all four corners of a rather large city, I still talk regularly with most of the parents I met at those AP meetings. Looking back, I realize that I may have stumbled into the attachment-parenting world but, in the end, I found my parenting tribe.
Want to find your parenting tribe? Here is a primer on the various “styles” that are popular right now:
Attachment Parenting
In its most basic terms, attachment parenting is simply the act of responding to your baby/child’s needs in a consistent, loving and responsive way. Advocates say this parenting style which promotes close physical bonds between parents and babies, including baby-wearing and co-sleeping results in more confident, connected and empathic children.
The 7 Bs According to William and Martha Sears, authors of The Baby Book and Attachment Parenting, there are seven key tenets to this particular parenting style. These include:
- Birth Bonding: Bonding with baby in the first few hours following birth (usually with skin-to-skin contact) is critical to promoting attachment between parents and infant.
- Belief in the signal value of your baby’s cries: Instead of letting baby “cry it out,” attachment parents learn to recognize their baby’s cries and respond to their infant’s immediate needs.
- Breastfeeding: Attachment parents advocate breastfeeding, including extended breastfeeding after the age of 2, to promote bonding between mother and child.
- Baby-wearing: Keeping babies/toddlers physically close to their parents is a big part of the Attachment Parenting world. Many AP parents wear their newborns in slings, which also promotes ease in breastfeeding.
- Bedding close to baby: Sleeping in the “family bed” with baby/child is encouraged, as it helps with breastfeeding and bonding.
- Balance and boundaries: Attachment parenting is not permissive parenting. Parents need to have boundaries and to find a good balance between responding to their child’s needs and giving in to their child’s every desire.
- Beware of baby trainers: Attachment parents tend to rely on their own intuition when it comes to their children’s sleeping and eating needs, instead of turning to parenting “experts” for sleep schedules and dietary guidelines.
Conscious Parenting
Here is how the Conscious Family Journal described this relatively new parenting style in its June 2009 issue: “Conscious parenting is about slowing down and living in the moment; it is about finding the grace in every experience; it is about feeling gratitude for all the mysterious gifts that make up a lifetime.”
In a nutshell, conscious parenting strives to cut through the worries about the future and the obsessions about the past and focus on the right here, right now moments. Advocates of this parenting style take a deep, hard look at the unconscious patterns they picked up during their own childhoods and then re-frame the way they view their child’s behavior and actions.
For example, if you find yourself getting upset over your child’s normal, child-like behavior jumping and splashing in mud puddles, perhaps conscious parenting would tell you to examine where this unconscious reaction is coming from. Did your own parents punish you when you got your clothes dirty? Use your reflections on your own childhood to re-examine your response to your child’s behavior. In the future, when she jumps into a huge puddle, take a few seconds to think about your feelings before reacting.
The conscious parenting movement is one of forgiveness and healing, especially for parents who find themselves desperate to make their child obey or behave.
Lee Lozowick, author of the book Conscious Parenting, says this type of parenting has the ability to heal on a global level.
“Children are like sponges and what they pick up will influence how they grow up, which in turn will have effects on the world-at-large that we can’t possibly imagine,” writes Lozowick. “Conscious parenting, then, is not only about the welfare of an individual, but more about the well-being of the Earth.”
Dolphin Dads
Coined by Wharton School of Business professor Shawn Achor, the term Dolphin Dad is a reference to parents (usually fathers) who take a more playful approach to parenting.
Achor, author of The Happiness Advantage: The Seven Principles of Positive Psychology That Fuel Success and Performance at Work, posits that parents who are positive and encouraging will have happier children. And in Achor’s research, happier people are more successful.
So how does one be a more playful parent? Achor’s suggestions show that it isn’t too tough to alter your parenting routines to incorporate more dolphin-like behavior. For instance, imagine that it’s a really nice evening and your child still has an hour’s worth of homework to finish. Instead of sitting down and finishing her homework, she spends 15 minutes moaning about how unfair it is that she can’t play outside. How would the dolphin dad solve this problem? By infusing a little bit of fun into the situation grab a big blanket and maybe a bottle of fizzy water and head outside with your child. Turn the homework session into an impromptu picnic by bringing some apple slices and cheese along.
The whole point of being a dolphin dad (or mom) is to help your child find happiness in their life. It is this feeling of happiness that will lead them to success, Achor says.
“Most companies and schools follow this formula: If you work harder, you will be more successful, and then you will be happy,” Achor writes. “This formula is scientifically backward.”
Want to be a dolphin dad/mom? Follow these recommendations:
• For every negative interaction with your child, dedicate yourself to having five positive interactions.
• Smile often around your child.
• Model gratitude by saying thank you to your child, family, friends and strangers.
• Encourage your child to remember his or her past achievements.
• Show optimism about the future when interacting with your child.
• Turn routines into playful experiences: Sing while you wash dishes. Tell funny stories before bedtime. Instead of simply walking the dog around the block, skip or dance the dog around the block.
Finding your tribe
I am proof that you don’t necessarily need to subscribe 100 percent to one parenting style to find your parenting tribe. Often, just finding other parents who are going through similar life experiences (parenting a newborn or seeing a child through puberty, for instance) is enough to form a lasting bond between parents.
But where do you find these parents?
• School: If your child is in school, consider hosting a parents’ get-together at a local café or restaurant for mothers and fathers from your child’s grade.
• La Leche League: Have a newborn? Check out your local La Leche League to meet other new, nursing moms.
• Message boards: Often, parenting groups will post meeting times/locations at the local library or on the message board at a community center or kid-friendly café.
• Online: Maybe you are more comfortable talking to your parenting tribe members from the comfort of your own home? The Internet is full of resources to connect you to parents that share your views on childrearing. Look around, be open to new ideas and have fun finding your tribe.
