Werner Erhard mentioned in his Erhard Seminar Training (which originated in the early 70s) that, “it is easier to ride a horse in the direction it is going.” Every time I hear this quote, I think of the old cartoon figures that tried to ride a horse backwards. It probably dates me terribly to say this, but I think Dudley Do-Right was one such character. He was portrayed as a dim-witted, but conscientious and cheerful Canadian Mountie, always trying to catch his nemesis Snidely Whiplash, usually succeeding by pure luck. I also seem to recall that Speedy Gonzales also would often find himself facing the tail instead of the head.

These were all laughable characters as people saw the consequences of getting on a horse facing the wrong direction when the horse took off, often dumping the rider in the process. Yet, conscientious and cheerful spouses are sometimes dumped in the dirt by beliefs that are similar to riding a horse backwards.

Being gay is not something that one catches, it is not contagious, and it is not an illness. Yet, there are those who insist that someone who is gay is simply not okay and should be fixed or healed in some way. I would offer that, metaphorically speaking, this is like thinking you can ride a horse backwards. In fact, people who are attracted to the same sex have no more control over who they fall in love with than people who are attracted to the opposite sex. They may seem different, but they are the same — all human beings, seeking answers to the normal questions in life, needing the same care and concern, and equally deserving of love and respect.

So, when someone reveals they are gay to their heterosexual spouse, rather than the spouse shunning them – or worse – this is a chance for the spouse to reach deep into their own human experience and try to find and understand their similarities. History has been cruel enough, so let’s find compassion instead of hate. If you feel you are the wronged party, stop and think: because you once loved this person, and because you may even share the experience of being parents, why not ride the horse in the direction it is going, instead of kicking and fighting and trying to change its path?

Carol Lynn Pearson, in her book Goodbye, I Love You, describes her personal experiences from her marriage to a gay man. In the beginning, it was difficult for her to accept the fact her husband was gay, especially given their religious upbringing and the lack of speaking out about these things when they got married in 1966. Despite the initial honesty that seemed to tear their marriage apart, her journey toward understanding, love, and letting go is an amazing story. During her husband’s self-discovery, Pearson encouraged him to know and have relationships with his children. Even when he contracted AIDs, she honored their relationship, brought him home and cared for him until his life ended.

In other words, she rode the horse in the direction it was going, and showed great compassion and caring in doing so. What a great testament for us all to live by.