As parents, many times we feel frustrated and impatient. It seems we are always trying to get our children’s attention, get them moving, or get them to stop something. The flip side is seeing our children frustrated and impatient with something they are dealing with. Any parent must admit there are moments like these in everyday life. What is often left out of the book on parenting (which we know is out there somewhere and should have come with our children at birth), is what to do when we feel this frustration and impatience.
Some authorities say, “Give them a time out.” Of course, they mean give the children a time out. Other authorities say, “Take away something they feel strongly about.” This means taking away something that the children want (TV, computer, dessert, time with a particular friend, etc).
The best response is to take at least a metaphorical step back. We must separate from our urgent, anxious, sometimes angry responses, and open the mental gates of other brain parts to see the greater perspective.
One way to work through this angst is to imagine ourselves watching from the outside. Imagine looking at the situation from an outsider’s perspective. From that person’s point of view, watch yourself getting frustrated or impatient. Take away the reason and just focus on what a stranger sees you do and how you act. What might they think is going on?
Then imagine being your child and see yourself getting frustrated or impatient. What are they seeing from their point of view? As a child, how would you feel at that moment? What would help you most when you are feeling that way inside?
Now watch your child when they are getting frustrated or impatient. What do they do? How do they act? What might they be feeling inside? Imagine what would help them address those feelings inside.
Many times when we do this exercise, we find that our children are mirrors of our behavior, and that they need the same things we do to move away from frustration and impatience. Moving into an imaginary person’s point of view can help us see the true source of the frustration and figure out what might help reduce turmoil.
Time outs can be purposeful, as can removing exciting stimuli for the moment for both parents and children. Take time out to reflect on all that is really going on in the moment, put words around it that both you and the children can understand, and practice things that will soothe the overwhelming feelings.
The mirror of our children’s behavior can become much easier to deal with when we take time out to see and understand what they reflect about ourselves.
