Money and custody. Custody and money. Money and kids. Kids and money. Around and around go the debates and questions.

Well-meaning friends or family are full of advice, too. “You can pay for this or that, so I know the court will give you custody.” Or, “You cannot pay for this or that, so I know the court will not give you custody.” It’s easy to let dollars run our thoughts and lives and create fear, doubt, and worry. Remember, our brains are hard-wired to pay attention to anything that might signal danger or hurt and it’s natural to find ourselves caught up in this cycle of dark thoughts. It’s important to break that cycle, or at least rearrange some of our thoughts, so that the determination of custody can be recognized for what it is intended to be— in the best interest of the child.

How often do we as parents ask ourselves, “Why am I such a great, loving parent?” Or, “Why do my kids feel so stable and secure?” Or, “How is it that, between me and my co-parent, we have so much to offer our children?” Or even, “Isn’t it amazing that our kids have skills like ours for appreciating what we have?”

If you are honest with yourself, you may admit you have not really spent time focusing on things like this. It can be difficult, as once again, our brains are not hard-wired to think about the world this way. Sometimes when we do think and even say positive things like this, others accuse us of being Pollyannas or of not being realistic.

The fact that our children are blessed with amazing survival skills means that there are lots of components to the concept of best interest of the child. Some of these components involve things like the stability of the child’s living situation (not the size of the house); the proximity to the activities and lifestyle they are familiar with; the behavior of both parents with regard to ensuring that each of them are included in the child’s life; the comfort of the child with each parent; the age of the child; the conflictive nature of the parent’s relationship, and the general emotional well-being of the child. Do these components all have some connection to dollars and cents? Well, maybe yes and maybe no.

Imagine yourself a judge, who has never met you or your family before you filed for divorce in your local court system. Imagine the difficulty you might have honestly trying to figure out what a child’s best interest means. Here comes the couple into the courtroom, each with their support team, and each sitting on opposite sides of the room. When you think about it, it looks something like a wedding, everyone dressed up and putting their best foot forward.

The judge has to be able to listen to information presented in a setting unfamiliar to the family’s natural world. In addition, the presentations being made usually go something like this: “I am the best parent because _, and that person over there is the worst parent because _.” Both are trying to prove one or the other parent might be somehow better, and thus might affect the decision about custody. Custody— what a word to describe something that is really all about having a nurturing, stabilizing, positive, encouraging, supportive, loving relationship with a child. The fact that we call it custody makes it sound similar to a jail sentence.

Luckily, many courts are acknowledging they struggle with this issue, and many are encouraging parents to mediate and resolve issues between themselves, rather than in the courtroom. It is really only the most divided and conflict-bound families that end up with a judge determining the best interest of the children, and those decisions are made based upon each judge’s values and the legal statutes and guidelines of each family court system. Sometimes, it appears when we are in the midst of dispute that the judges fall back to making a decision simply based upon dollars. But is this truly how they made their decision? Were they really that limited by the local rules and statutes? Or were they actually taking into consideration some much deeper questions and doing the best they could with the information before them?

In fact, money is not the deciding factor in most cases. A court carefully considers the children’s needs, emotional and developmental ties, and support systems. When a family splits from living in one house to living in two, there is going to be a change in the way the resources stretch.

Most custody decisions acknowledge the likely reduction in household income to each parent. This is the underlying intent in most child support rules. It is also an underlying reason that the Uniform Child Custody Jurisdiction and Enforcement Act was established. It is a national body of law that helps courts to maintain a system of supervision regarding child custody, so that parents cannot move around the country pleading their conflicts about their children in numerous courts at the same time. There is an established order for cases to be heard, and a platform of information that is required to be presented to the court before a case can be heard. It is a long process simply for the reason that the judges are usually doing their best with heavy court calendars to gather as much information as possible to support any decision they end up making regarding custody.

How much simpler it would be if parents realized that their conflict was creating such a burden for the courts and for their children, and took full responsibility to work out reasonable agreements themselves. Of course, the topic of money needs to be a piece of the discussion, but any good parent knows deep in their hearts that money isn’t everything.

The discussion and focus needs to be about the child or children, and how to best support their emotional well-being. It’s about reducing fear and worry, ensuring that each parent has their needs met so that they can continue to be the best parent possible, and remembering to notice as we go through life that our cups are often half full instead of half empty.