Parenting: Animated Video Helps Children Get Through Parents’ Divorce

Trevor Romain’s kid-friendly treatise on parents in splitsville “Taking the Duh out of Divorce” brewed for years before the South African-born artist, speaker, and children’s’ advocate brought it to life.

During that time he watched, pained, as kids suffered during and after their parents’ breakups. “Parents,” he says, “just don’t always get it. They don’t always listen to what the kids are saying. They’re asking: ‘Is it my fault?'” Romain says. “A lot of the underlying insecurity is that they are taking on the load of the divorce themselves. They’re carrying so much of the baggage.”

Enter Duh, a humorous and compassionate 25-minute animated video about young Skye’s trek through her parents’ divorce with a little help from her playground friend, Jack. In Romain’s video, designed for ages six and up to be watched with parents, Skye learns to adjust bravely to her new world, and picks up some clarity and coping techniques along the way. “If children are socially and emotionally fit, they get through life better,” Romain says by phone, in his cheery Brit dialect, from his office in Austin, Texas. “That’s what we’re striving for.”

Understanding how our kids think is key to helping enable that: “First off, we cannot presume to be inside their brains,” Romain says, “So I ask —” and listen to what the youngsters are saying.

Next, know that many kids, even up till middle school, harbor a belief somewhere inside that they’ve caused the divorce. Many also believe they have to pick sides, feel ashamed and don’t know how to reach out for help. “One of the things that kids think when their parents’ divorce is, they see their parents distraught, they’re going through an incredible amount of pain and guilt, and the kids don’t want to add to it,” Romain says. “What we need to do is to let them know their feelings are as important as ours. We need an easy way to give them a release valve and express what they’re feeling, and let them know that we’re not going to judge them or tell them everything’s going to be okay but that we’re in this together and I’m going to support you and you’re going to support me.”

To reach into children’s’ worlds, it helps to think like Romain, who says he’s really a 14-year-old trapped inside a grownup body. “Ask and listen. Use humor. Stick to facts. And keep asking questions, gently. It’s really important to share what’s going on with people we trust,” advises Romain, whose kids books have sold more than one million copies. “It’s vital for parents going through divorce to create a very comfortable, very safe two-way communication system.”

Romain recalls fondly how his own father, Jack, created a ritual that helped them share thoughts and bond: Tuesday nights, they’d go out together for coffee and hot chocolate. And they’d talk. “He’d say, ‘Mom and I had a fight the other day,” or, ‘Should we build a playroom or go on vacation?’ and finally, ‘So what’s going on with you?'” Romain says. “And man I’d spill the beans.”

And his dad listened. And empathized. And asked him to problem-solve. “My dad wasn’t going to run up and change everything,” Romain says. “He was supportive, understood and was going to protect me. He was a foundation, a support, and a constant that was not going to just rush off and fight my battles for me. He was going to help me by giving me confidence.”

Other ways of gaining this time together and emotional check-ins include doing homework time together — the kids hit their books, and you balance your checkbook, pay bills and catch up on paperwork. Some parents share journals where they write about the same questions on facing pages using such topics as, What I’m frustrated about today? What I would change today? What makes me happy? What am I looking forward to?

“Asking a kid why is really important,” Romain says. “And you can reinforce the trust you’re building by, of all things, discipline.” Romain stresses that there’s a difference between discipline and punishment (“discipline” comes from the word disciple) and says following through on consequences is crucial to creating trust with your children.

That trust and those sharing rituals will help in working through life’s trouble spots together, including life-altering events like divorce. And as grownups know, those events can be messy and emotional. For kids, however, it’s vital that they’re shielded from such volatility. Most parents say the kids are the most important thing in the divorce mix, yet many parents end up dumping their emotions on their kids.

“Don’t,” says Romain. “If the kids are the most important thing, there are certain things they don’t need to hear, especially anger for the other parent. It’s okay to say ‘your dad’s run off and I’m mad about it.’ That’s an event that can be explained. It’s just not something that should be hammered and hammered because the child is carrying shame and the other parent is exacerbating it. Be clear, concise and honest about events, but don’t get angry and emotional with the kids — they still have two parents, and the other one will always be part of them, however, errant you believe they’ve been.”

And what if the co-parent is a trainwreck? Someone with substance or abuse issues, someone who’s gone awol since the divorce? Romain suggests dealing with that not by badmouthing the other parent, but rather by approaching the situation in the same way he suggests kids think about bullies as people with serious problems. (That bully has a problem. It must be hard.)

Here’s the kind of script Romain suggests:

“Unfortunately Dad (or Mom) is going through a rough time,” or “Dad made a big mistake, and unfortunately that’s what he did. It’s going to be okay. I’m not very happy with what he did but I’m hoping he’s going to get some help.”

Regardless of how upsetting the ex’s behavior is to you, discuss it with kids in a calm and rational fashion, sharing honest information, keeping it simple and just-the-facts, so they’re not saddled with the problem. Romain advises never discussing an ex with children when you’re upset or angry because you won’t be able to deliver information in a healthy way.

“You can say, ‘You know. “That’s your dad, and he cares about you, he loves you a lot, but he hasn’t come around and visited maybe because he’s ashamed of what he does,'” Romain says. “You can say, ‘You know, Dad made some bad choices, and he’s going to have to work hard to work through it. Dad made a bad choice and it’s not your fault and we’ll all get through it together. I’m really angry with him right now. He’s not in a very happy place but it’s not your fault.’ And above all,” says Romain, “don’t excuse the behavior. Do not let the child believe that it’s their fault.”

About the author: Lori Hall Steele has written for Woman’s Day, Salon.com, The Chicago Tribune and numerous other publication and runs a single-parent blog.