Set New Year’s Resolutions after the Divorce to Keep Focused on Future

Now that you’ve been through the divorce, what do you plan to do in 2008 to improve your life as anewly single? Experts say it is good to have New Year’s resolutions to help you change your life.

“I would recommend that they resolve to take really good care of themselves, and that could be physical, like using your body to exercise, but also eating nutritional foods, because it’s really difficult finding yourself single after a long time,” said Deborah Klinger, a therapist in Raleigh, N.C.

According to the U.S. Office of Citizen Services and Communications, the most popular New Year’s resolutions include losing weight, paying off debt, volunteering to help others, taking a trip, reducing stress at work or reducing stress overall. Others are getting fit, eating healthy, returning to college or high school, quitting smoking and saving up money.

“Finding good self care is also another aspect of that. It is things like a massage, like chiropractic or acupuncture,” said Klinger. “And emotionally as well surrounding yourself with friends who care about you, and people who are good for you.”

“I do have a client going through a divorce right now, and he’s been finding people who have gone through the same thing to talk to. We human beings are creatures of relationships. We need humans to depend on and lean on, developing a support system,” Klinger says.

Anna Koenig, a counselor in Atlanta, Ga., believes newly single people need to be responsible for their own happiness. “Happiness is an inside job. In other words, I want to get away from being a victim. Whenever I think something outside is going to make me happy, that puts me in victim status.”

Koenig says that volunteering is an excellent way to feel better about yourself, because you’re helping others.”Help another person. Volunteer to do something. Remember that peace begins with a smile,” she says. She also suggested that volunteering can come in the form of doing something nice for someone else. “Open up the door for somebody. Tell somebody they look really great today, and here’s a really awesome one. Do a good deed, and don’t get found out.”

Another possibility is trying something completely new. “Do two things you don’t want to do, just to do it, just for the discipline of doing it,” Koenig says.

However, therapist Deborah Klinger says not to venture off trying something that is too difficult for you. “Being good to yourself and giving yourself what you need, starting over on a completely new and different track – that wouldn’t be wise at a time like that to take on something really big and different. I think people tend to with New Year’s resolutions bite off more than they can chew, and especially if at the time, you’re divorcing,” she says.

Klinger says that when people make resolutions that are ridiculously unattainable, they feel worse in the end. “That’s unrealistic. Don’t raise the bar too high. Don’t be setting yourself up so you feel like a failure. Focus on things that support and nourish you and give you what you need,” she says.

Anne Koenig says that reading inspirational books is powerful in starting the new year well. “Read some good self-help books. I would say one of the most powerful tools that I’ve ever used to help me understand that would be Eckhart Tolle’s book, ‘The Power of Now,'” she says. “Another great book is Pema Chodron’s ‘When Things Fall Apart.’ That’s one of her best books. It sounds like a book that somebody would need when they’re in a broken state, and sometimes, people need to get to the bottom before they start building, and this is an excellent choice.”

“No matter how stubborn a habit you’ve developed, there are ways to break negative patterns and keep healthy resolutions throughout the New Year. The trick is to keep everything in perspective. When deciding on your New Year’s resolutions, it is easy to get swept up in hopeful yearning,” according to the University of Maryland.

“As the clock ticks away the final minutes of the old year, the excitement of it all can be intoxicating. You believe you’ll be able to tackle your goals effortlessly. But after the rush of New Year’s celebration fades and reality sets in, your ambitions can once again seem insurmountable. The key to achieving even your most lofty goals is to get started immediately.”

The University of Maryland suggests to learn from mistakes you make instead of getting too upset. “Mistakes can be and usually are opportunities for learning. If you fall short of your goals, ask yourself what kept you from achieving them and then try to make corrections. People who like to sail understand this navigational concept. You almost never go directly from point A to point B. You set a course and periodically take readings of your position then make adjustments as you go along.”

It also recommends explaining your goals to other people for your resolutions to work better.And, according to the American Psychiatric Association (APA), it isokay to try again at a resolution you have failed to accomplish in the past — because everyone fails sometimes.

The APA says to make resolutions that will make you happy, not to impress other people.The organization alsosuggests writing down how far you plan to be with your resolution in terms of three months and six months, forgiving when you mess up and congratulating yourself when you do well.

People can also make New Year’s resolutions together with their children. The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) suggests a few, including paying more attention to what your children are doing at school, helping them with nutrition just as you are during the new year, telling your kids about the dangers of alcohol and tobacco and spending more time with your children.

“Kids develop a sense of self-worth early in life. They get it from their parents. Listen to what your children have to say. Assure them that they are loved and safe. Celebrate their individuality, and tell them what makes them special and what you admire about them,” according to the AAP.

According to National Public Radio, sometimes, the best way to keep a resolution is by seeking a therapist’s help. “You make ’em. And you break ’em. That’s the way New Year’s resolutions work. If you’d like to break the pattern, a psychotherapist would be glad to help. Cognitive behavioral therapy deals with just a single behavior at a time.”

No matter what happens, you shouldn’t give up on starting over. Most people can be successful in keeping their resolutions. According to the University of Washington, “63 percent of the people questioned were still keeping their number one 1997 New Year’s resolution after two months.”

Krystle Russin is a freelance journalist in Austin, Texas. She has been involved in journalism for seven years, hosting a PBS show and contributing to different print and online publications. She graduated from the University of Texas with a degree in government (pre-law), and minors in journalism and history.