How could a mediator be neutral about your situation when you are getting divorced? Surely one of you is right and the other is wrong! If you know in your bones – and all of your friends agree – that you are right, you may think that mediation would not make sense for you, because you don’t want to compromise.

First of all – you won’t agree to anything in mediation that you don’t want. In mediation, the mediator will work to understand how you are feeling, what this experience has done to you, what this means for you, the challenges that you are facing as you try to restructure your life – then he/she can help your spouse understand these things. And the mediator can also make sure that the agreement that is put together takes care of you and your needs.

As a mediator, I will not act as a judge, and make decisions FOR you – but I will remain neutral. I will do my best to listen to everything that each of you needs to say, and I will ask questions to make sure that we have all of the information we need.

How does it really work? Alice and Mason came to me for divorce mediation. Alice still loved Mason. She had made a commitment to him which, to her, meant that she would stay with him no matter what. She told me that Mason had had other affairs in the past, and had always returned to his commitment to her. The couple had recently purchased a house. Alice said, “Why did you buy this house with me if you wanted to get out of the relationship?”

I could have felt that Alice was “right,” and Mason was a lousy toad. She was the one with commitment and vision, she felt sure that this marriage was the right thing and was able to stick with her husband through thick and thin. She planned and worked to enable them to buy a home. And after this loyalty, what was her reward? Constant betrayal, multiple affairs!

Then Mason told me about his experience. He spoke eloquently about his need to move on from a relationship which felt stagnant to him, and from which he could no longer derive intimacy or romance. He was very grateful to Alice for all the love and support he had gotten from her. But for a long time he had felt that there was something missing. He felt stifled and responsible for Alice. He felt platonic love and respect for Alice, but he had a new girlfriend. For Mason, the 12-year relationship had evolved into a friendship.

After hearing Mason, I felt his pain. I felt how Alice’s willingness to stay in a relationship with a man who was sleeping with another woman made Mason feel trapped. He saw her as a crazy woman who had no self respect, who would live with him even though he rejected her.

I felt empathy for both Alice and Mason. My job now was to do my best to increase their understanding of each other. Alice had to confront the reality that Mason wanted a divorce. When I helped her to accept this, she was able to negotiate alimony, so that she could keep the house and eventually become self-sufficient. Mason saw the alimony as a way to buy his freedom, and it was a great relief to him to be able to do that. The divorce agreement was completed.

It is never simple to determine why a marriage ends. Something was probably lacking for a while. The end of the marriage is created by both, as the beginning was created by both. I do believe that most of us are trying the best we can to make our way through this life. We try not to hurt the people we love, or have loved. And we do our best. But we are imperfect creatures, so we do not always succeed. We are hurt and we lash out – and the other may not know that he/she has hurt us. Through my understanding, I can often help people to forgive themselves and each other – which will help them to move forward into their new lives post-divorce. Neutrality will bring you closer to the truth, and the truth will help you move on with your life.