Many of us have heard of drug and alcohol addictions, but there are also compulsive behaviors that some experts call addictions too, like gambling, overeating, sex or shopping. Some behaviors may even sound harmless. Who thinks computer use or exercise is bad? Yet excess of anything can be destructive to a person, and especially to their relationships.
Anyone who is married to someone with an addiction can tell you that there are moments when that person is amazing, good and wonderful. Why else would they have married them? If you’re that person whose spouse is an addict, you’re in a tough situation and there is lots to think about. First, you need to ask yourself some painfully honest questions. They might include:
- How do you know your spouse is an addict? Is it an identified fact?
- Why has your relationship lasted so long?
- What coping skills do each of you bring to the relationship?
- What events may have occurred during your relationship that may have triggered certain behaviors or addictions?
- How are each of you acting and reacting at this point?
- Have there been any criminal and/or other legal ramifications?
- Do you have children who are impacted, and if so, how?
- What support systems are in place?
- What family history is there?
- Is there anyone outside your immediate family who knows what is going on?
- What help is available?
One strange thing about being married to an addict is that your love for that person was, and is, probably quite strong. The wish to end the addiction and fix the spouse is a common desire of someone married to an addict. For this reason, researchers started focusing on what has been called codependency. Many professionals recognize that the one trying to control the addiction is often as addicted to that sense of control as the addict is to the substance. So, while the main issue appears to be how to stop the addict’s behavior, the flip side of the coin is how to stop the other person from trying to stop the addiction.
The addict may be the first one to get into trouble with the law, but sometimes, a spouse has issues that are just as serious and they end up with legal consequences, too. Feelings of rage, hurt and disappointment are often factors in relationships like these, and acting out may occur. Feelings can be confusing to sort out.
Professional help is useful to help both partners fully understand addiction and build a strong enough relationship to help each other regroup. It’s also time for self-reflection and “cleaning up your own side of the street.” Pointing fingers is not useful. Shame increases the length of time it takes to heal. Most people who are married to people with addictions have some of their own family history to deal with many are adult children of addicts or come from other abusive and dysfunctional relationships. Many times someone married to an addict leaves them but becomes embroiled in another relationship with another addict. This is because there are underlying issues that were not addressed.
Addiction is an illness which we are still learning more and more about. Brain science has changed the way scientists look at addiction. There are new and different therapies all the time. In the meantime, there are groups of people all over the world who have gathered together to try to help each other and their families cope and learn and heal.
Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) is probably a familiar name to most of us. It was an amazing moment when the first group of alcoholics gathered to understand what was happening to them and try to stop it. Since its inception, the AA model has been reshaped over and over to create lots of other strong support groups. Al-Anon groups support spouses and family members of alcoholics. Support from others in similar situations is a key factor in the healing process. Anonymity and respect are also essential in many groups. Of course, being willing and ready to join a group or try any healing process is a major component of any healing. It is common that many people have to hit bottom before willingness to change shows up. Unfortunately, it seems to take a lot of pain before people wake up to the truth and ask for help. When both partners recognize there is a problem, there is lots of help and hope available.
If you’re married to an addict, what help have you gotten for yourself to look at the patterns that are operating in your relationship? What steps are absolutely necessary for safety? How are each of you going to recover? It may take time do you have that kind of time? Or do you need to move out and move on? Just be thoughtful about blame or passing judgment, as they may come back to haunt you if you are not completely honest with yourself about the issues that created the dysfunctional relationship in the first place.
Further Recommended reading:
1. Many Roads, One Journey: Moving Beyond the 12 Steps by Charlotte Davis Kasl, PhD.,1992
2. Alcoholics Anonymous (fondly called “The Big Book”), first edition published in 1939
3. Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melanie Beattie, 1987
4. Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw, 1988
5. The Courage to Heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis, 1988
6. Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love by Pia Mellody,1992
7. Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction by Patrick Carnes, 1992
8. The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck, MD, 1978
9. Boys Will Be Boys: Breaking the Link Between Masculinity and Violence by Myriam Miedzian, PhD, 1991
10. Heartwounds: The Impact of Unresolved Trauma and Grief on Relationships by Tian Dayton, PhD, 1997
