Parenting: Should I Keep Letters from First Marriage for My Grown Daughter?
Q: I got divorced from my first husband more than 20 years ago, and have been remarried, happily, for more than ten years. I have a box of letters to and from my first husband that I have saved over the years. I don’t read these letters, they just sit in a box. I think that one day my daughter from my first marriage, who is now a young adult, might want them. But every now and then, especially when I am in a cleaning out frenzy, I think I should get rid of the letters. I am ambivalent about keeping them. What should I do?
A: I cannot make the decision for you of whether to keep your ex-husband’s letters. But here are some things you might consider in resolving this issue. It is important that you be clear with yourself about why you have kept these letters. Is it only because you think your daughter might want them? Or are there other reasons, such as wanting to hold on to a piece of your ex-husband, or a piece of your past, or are you simply a pack-rat? If your main reason for keeping the letters is so you can give them to your daughter, since she is now an adult, ask her if she wants them, and if she does, give them to her.
You might want to read the letters before you give them to her, to make sure some of the letters do not contain material you do not want your daughter to read. If fact, if the letters have just been sitting in a box, you might want to read them again to help you assess if you still feel a need to keep them. You also might consider a compromise: Select a few letters to keep, and throw the rest away. Regardless, try to think of your daughter’s viewpoint. If she is sentimental and cares deeply for you, she may very well be interested in these tokens from your past. Even if they are painful for you to read alone, they may be therapeutic to look through together; this could very well be an opportunity to bond with your daughter.
Or, you could re-read one letter a week, and decide whether you want to keep that particular letter. That way, you are not deciding whether to keep all the letters, you are only deciding whether or not to keep one letter. The decision of whether to keep one letter (at a time) may be easier than making an all-or-nothing decision that involves whether to keep all the letters, or throw them all away.
